Take a trip wit me, won't chu :)
The Time: Nice lil flash back! Although I hate when groups from the past try to 'wrap' something new into their old cut medley....we don't know dat shit!?! Play da shit we know & keep it movin!?! No one gives a damn about the new project....harsh, but you know you were thinking it! :) Also, was it me, or did it seem like the tempo needed to be picked up on those dance classics? I shoulda been able to let my backbone slip on "Cool"...but to no avail.....
Ceddy Ced's Intro: Cedric the Entertainer brings an instant smile to my face every time I see him! I can also appreciate a man (a big man at that) who isn't too cool to move. Work it out Ced!
Common & Marsha: Common makes me fall in love with hip hop all over again every time I see him perform! Quite the class act. That's how a 'grown man' hip hop artist is supposed to carry his self.....*take some notes Jay & Kanye!?! Now, Marsh....I love you, I truly do. But what piece of road kill back fur did someone cut that wig from for you!?! Even if it was just a fro...let your natural tresses grace your head AT ALL TIMES! -7cool points for dat shit!
Gladys Knight & The Pips Tribute: My eyes just came down and focused back in my head after rolling them so aggressively hard at Tamar actually singing something on somebody's show. Maybe now her bratty ass will have a seat for a moment. And as my Mama would say, 'she can carry a tune' but she can't sing. I don't think I have any words for the 'Honorary Pips' other than the fact that Freddie Jackson definitely crossed this one off his 'bucket list' after the performance. Chrisette, were you high baby? Something about her presence on stage tonight wasn't quite right....*kanye shrug. And WOW, Natalie Cole, you look good lady! After all you've been through....kudos to you! And Gladys and her hubby sittin there with at least 7 dye kits in their heads....who ya'll foolin!?! LOL Oh, Lady G was defiinitely sportin a wiggy....but still black as tar *lips to the side :) Love you Madame Knight! A true living legend!
CeeLo & Melanie Fiona: Now, "I'm A Fool" is one of my present jams...so I was very much looking forward to him and Melanie rockin this one! Now while I love CeeLo's eccentric style and how he's not afraid to push and downright tackle the envelope on many levels....his vibe tonight definitely made me feel like he might have been wearing some low rise panties under his ensemble! #imjussayin Do you boo!?! Hey girl Melanie! Gorgeous dahling :)
Lloyd: *crickets & blinks* A for effort? Moving on....
Miguel: I dig this dude. He's got a natural artistic energy about him. I believe him as an artist. That's hard to come by these days. Whether you're feeling his music or not, you know he's feeling it and I can appreciate that. I do dig most of his stuff though! I can bet dat...never gotta sweat dat :)
Mindless Behavior: I love these lil dudes! I think they're really talented. I just hope they don't become another B2K tragedy :(
Heavy D Tribute: Nice representation fellas....I can't even front. Everyone stayed in their lanes and kept the focus on Heav. Thought: Was that Bushwick Bill? It had to be since he's THE little person of hip hop. And I'm back...Everyone looked well and stumbles over some of the lyrics aside....a very nice tribute. I kinda wished there was some choreography to go along with the tribute cuz him and 'da boyz' used to tear it up back in the day! Aaah well....
Anthony Hamilton: Awww, always a class act. Wit his lil Thomas the Train conductor hat....I love you Anthony! Love, Sista Big Bones...well, kinda ;)
GIMME DAT NECKLACE TAMI ROMAN! LOL...but for real...
Robin Thicke: Now his lil pompado is lookin a lil Vanilla Ice-ish....I want him to cut his hair down circa Justin Timberlake....I think he'd really be able to rock that! That would put the icing on his smoothed out look. Wit his lil blueberry hill suit....
The NEW Ashford & Simpson Songwriters Award! How beautiful! How appropriate :) Very excited to begin to see the artists who are recognized in this category. There's no faking actually writing a song. There are enough imposters in the music biz today. #goodmusic
EWF Tribute: Lemme first say that I was really anticipating this tribute. EWF is one of my all time favorite bands....so I wanted it to be RIGHT! Miguel, was a Non-MF Factor! Sorry bruh, *kanye shrug* Musiq did well. And why must Bootsy Collins always look like an HBCU drum major? Love ya Bootsey :) Still wanna clothesline ya for the Old Navy commercials...but I'll let it slide cuz it is a recession. Lalah was probably the only female in the game right now who could hit that note the way she did. REASONS IS A FALSETTO...PERIOD! WTF! Robin, you coulda did that by yourself. So disappointed this evening fellas! And is it me or has Eric Benet been singing 'real hard' eeery since he dogged Halle out?!? When I see him perform, I only hear 'please don't hate me, please don't hate me.' And my man from Mint Condition is B-A-D! One of the baddest vocalists out there and sooooo under the radar! That song didn't do his voice justice though....Loved the gong too!
Well, I guess we're at the end of the show my friends....Overall, not bad of a show. Everyone seemed to have a bit of class about themselves at this affair which is always welcomed and refreshing to see! PEACE!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
2011 BET Hip Hop Awards....I'm Less Than Moved!
WOOOOW! Welcome back RE :) I know its' been a minute, but I had to take this recent viewing opportunity to hit you once again with my candid REactions to the fuckery that is the 2011 BET Hip Hop Awards. Honestly, I was having some 'why do I do this to myself every year moments' at multiple times during the show. And though I know that the re-run of the show will continue to run throughout the next couple of weeks/months....I still make it a point to watch this asstastic display of over paid yet under prepared performances for which I'm supposed to support them honoring throughout the night. Well, then it dawned on me, I watched for the sheer opportunity of REacting...formulating thoughts based on what I'm experiencing. And boy does my mind have a way with thoughts :) You know the drill...in no particular order of importance the following shall document my thoughts throughout the show:
DA BRAT-Now, when Brat got out of the 'pokie' (or should I say 'lickie' *kanye shrug*) and provided a remix verse to Chris Brown's "Look At Me Now," I must admit that I definitely thought to myself, 'look out Nicki, Brat comin for ya!' Definitely a happy day in hoods everywhere. Now was it me or did you just get the feeling that Brat was thinking to herself, "I'm very happy to be heya" (a la Coming to America). Brat was just so happy not to have to trade honey buns & cigarettes to get her laundry done she didn't know what to do with herself! Now the blazer that she was rockin, obviously from the new Blacula line of Sean John, was definitely not a good look!?! Just in time for Halloween maybe??? Indeed so so DEATH!
WIZ KHALIFA-Now, I love tattoos and I'm all for expressing one's self in this manner. But there is definitely such a thing as too many tattoos and Wiz should be one of the poster children along with Weezie and Travis Barker. I mean, Wiz, dude, I can't even see your nipples any more!?! And all of your tatts musta hurt cuz there is absolutely no meat on your body! Dude looked like a piece of turkey bacon hopping around on the stage!?! Put some damn clothes on wit cho cheerio hula hoopin....'excuse me, I think I need a small'....lookin ass!
FAVORABLE REVIEWS! So, the first white dude in the first cipher...HOT as the blue part of the flame! Em, watch yo back!?! VA MASSIVE....STAND UP! Lady of Rage & Skillz definitely held it down. Rage looked like she had a crockpot of chili on back at the house and a pan of cornbread in the oven on the side. But she made an appearance and showed up and owt! Can I tell you how I'm a Busta fan 4 LIFE! Like, he's on some other stuff now where he's like a cross between a community activist, a Bernstein Bear, and a security officer at an all boys group home. Keep em in line Bus...keep em in line! Blind Fury...much respect from battling on 106 & Park to the cipher. Waitin on the album!
DMX-(sigh...) Where do I even start with this reflection....first of all I felt the need to kick over a lamp just because when "Get At Me Dog" came on. I mean, those songs still pack the same energy as when he first came out...you could tell in the audience too! I almost wanted it to be a Ruff Ryder's reunion right quick...bring out Eve (pitbull in a skit herself), The Lox, Drag On....I used to love me some Ruff Ryders! JMU PC Ballroom party goers STAND UP! #memories I just happened to go onto Facebook right after his performance and a friend of mine made a remark about that bubble vest that D had on...wasn't it the same one he was wearing when he initially got locked up? (*thinking...) yea, I think she's right ;)
RICK ROSS-PRAISE GOD RICKIE kept those 'yard dogs' on a leash tonight! I swear, if he had come out topless I was going to throw my tv off of my patio/balcony! And is it me or does Wale seem outta place 'rollin wit the Maybach Music crew?' When Wale first came out, I was feelin his swag, seemed to have something to say and was a true lyricist. Now I feel like he's just a knock off of Ross trying to fit in. *kanye shrug* And Rick, I don't care how many custom made satin suits/jackets you have made just for you in an effort to look 'fresh', I still feel you are dangerously at risk for hypertension, diabetes, and high cholesterol. You rappin bout takin trips and the cars you have, when you need to be tradin some Cooking Light recipes.
EL DEBARGE-Yooooo, El....like for real, if you show up 2-steppin and singing another random hook on an awards show that has nothing to do with you I'm gonna have to draft a letter. And why is his hair so thin? He has the thinest head of grown man hair I've ever seen!?! I've seen newborns with thicker hair! Like for real, Gerber Graduates have thicker hair than you El! Perhaps he's sober these days, but that hair is still smokin rocks and losin 'weight'!?!
HEAVY D-Now this reaction hurts me a little, because I'm definitely a Heavy D fan, but I couldn't help but feel like his performance was a bit outta place. Yea Heavy is Hip Hop, but 'his' era of Hip Hop was so different from what is the most popular now. So then to let him perform without any other artist from 'his day' to help 'bridge the gap' it was almost like, what's going on? How am I supposed to feel right now? Then when "Black Ty" comes out screaming like he's Eddie Levert of the OJays in the mic.....SMH. But I gotta give it to Heavy, he looked good! I know he's lost some weight and isn't as 'heavy' as he once was so great for him! Sidebar: I hope him and Rickie compared notes backstage...don't want another Pun situation on our hands!
Now raise your hands is you are on the edge of your seat awaiting the season premiere of "The Game?"........don't worry, I'll wait!
DA BRAT-Now, when Brat got out of the 'pokie' (or should I say 'lickie' *kanye shrug*) and provided a remix verse to Chris Brown's "Look At Me Now," I must admit that I definitely thought to myself, 'look out Nicki, Brat comin for ya!' Definitely a happy day in hoods everywhere. Now was it me or did you just get the feeling that Brat was thinking to herself, "I'm very happy to be heya" (a la Coming to America). Brat was just so happy not to have to trade honey buns & cigarettes to get her laundry done she didn't know what to do with herself! Now the blazer that she was rockin, obviously from the new Blacula line of Sean John, was definitely not a good look!?! Just in time for Halloween maybe??? Indeed so so DEATH!
WIZ KHALIFA-Now, I love tattoos and I'm all for expressing one's self in this manner. But there is definitely such a thing as too many tattoos and Wiz should be one of the poster children along with Weezie and Travis Barker. I mean, Wiz, dude, I can't even see your nipples any more!?! And all of your tatts musta hurt cuz there is absolutely no meat on your body! Dude looked like a piece of turkey bacon hopping around on the stage!?! Put some damn clothes on wit cho cheerio hula hoopin....'excuse me, I think I need a small'....lookin ass!
FAVORABLE REVIEWS! So, the first white dude in the first cipher...HOT as the blue part of the flame! Em, watch yo back!?! VA MASSIVE....STAND UP! Lady of Rage & Skillz definitely held it down. Rage looked like she had a crockpot of chili on back at the house and a pan of cornbread in the oven on the side. But she made an appearance and showed up and owt! Can I tell you how I'm a Busta fan 4 LIFE! Like, he's on some other stuff now where he's like a cross between a community activist, a Bernstein Bear, and a security officer at an all boys group home. Keep em in line Bus...keep em in line! Blind Fury...much respect from battling on 106 & Park to the cipher. Waitin on the album!
DMX-(sigh...) Where do I even start with this reflection....first of all I felt the need to kick over a lamp just because when "Get At Me Dog" came on. I mean, those songs still pack the same energy as when he first came out...you could tell in the audience too! I almost wanted it to be a Ruff Ryder's reunion right quick...bring out Eve (pitbull in a skit herself), The Lox, Drag On....I used to love me some Ruff Ryders! JMU PC Ballroom party goers STAND UP! #memories I just happened to go onto Facebook right after his performance and a friend of mine made a remark about that bubble vest that D had on...wasn't it the same one he was wearing when he initially got locked up? (*thinking...) yea, I think she's right ;)
RICK ROSS-PRAISE GOD RICKIE kept those 'yard dogs' on a leash tonight! I swear, if he had come out topless I was going to throw my tv off of my patio/balcony! And is it me or does Wale seem outta place 'rollin wit the Maybach Music crew?' When Wale first came out, I was feelin his swag, seemed to have something to say and was a true lyricist. Now I feel like he's just a knock off of Ross trying to fit in. *kanye shrug* And Rick, I don't care how many custom made satin suits/jackets you have made just for you in an effort to look 'fresh', I still feel you are dangerously at risk for hypertension, diabetes, and high cholesterol. You rappin bout takin trips and the cars you have, when you need to be tradin some Cooking Light recipes.
EL DEBARGE-Yooooo, El....like for real, if you show up 2-steppin and singing another random hook on an awards show that has nothing to do with you I'm gonna have to draft a letter. And why is his hair so thin? He has the thinest head of grown man hair I've ever seen!?! I've seen newborns with thicker hair! Like for real, Gerber Graduates have thicker hair than you El! Perhaps he's sober these days, but that hair is still smokin rocks and losin 'weight'!?!
HEAVY D-Now this reaction hurts me a little, because I'm definitely a Heavy D fan, but I couldn't help but feel like his performance was a bit outta place. Yea Heavy is Hip Hop, but 'his' era of Hip Hop was so different from what is the most popular now. So then to let him perform without any other artist from 'his day' to help 'bridge the gap' it was almost like, what's going on? How am I supposed to feel right now? Then when "Black Ty" comes out screaming like he's Eddie Levert of the OJays in the mic.....SMH. But I gotta give it to Heavy, he looked good! I know he's lost some weight and isn't as 'heavy' as he once was so great for him! Sidebar: I hope him and Rickie compared notes backstage...don't want another Pun situation on our hands!
Now raise your hands is you are on the edge of your seat awaiting the season premiere of "The Game?"........don't worry, I'll wait!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Ring the Alarm! 2011 MTV VMAs
Soooooooooooooo......after nearly 'sleeping' the fact that this lil shindig was even going on, I have a few thoughts to share. I must say that this year's VMA's were surprisingly not as unbearable as they have been for me over the last few years. I think it was a combination of not really watching MTV shows so I don't know who's popular on the network vs. just random folks at a show....and just growing older and not caring about some of the antics of pop culture that used to once dictate the course of many conversations in my day-to-day. So when I tuned in this year, I was pleasantly (and in some instances...tragically) surprised at how much I was able to follow what was going on! Let's just take it from the top, shall we.....
*Disclaimer: The order of the following commentary in no way reflects the importance nor the order that the thought occurred to me during the show. In other words, here goes my specialty: RANDOM REACTIONS!!!
Nicki Minaj: Le sigh.....now, I'm all for being unique, different, YOU! But sometimes it becomes painfully obvious that you're 'trying' to be this way instead of simply living and this is what happens. It's all about authenticity...your organic self. There was no way in hell that was Nicki's organic self! She look like she had been held captive in Pee Wee's Playhouse which was also the setting for the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race! And was that a stuffed animal of some sort on a leash connected to the outfit!?! No MF ma'am! When did that become a part of 'hip hop?' Once again, there is a new genre emerging that hasn't quite been named or formally recognized yet. But it's 'Pop Hop'...the merging of hip hop undertones with the mainstream appeal (or disdain) of general pop music and culture. Can you imagine if Nicki had worn that to an audition at the same time Queen Latifah was wearing her head dresses and Yo Yo didn't want you to 'play with her?' They'd a been lookin at her like 'is that your final answer?' Food for thought....
Lady (Sir) GaGa: Now, I was watching Lady GaGa in concert in NY on HBO about a month ago and she touched a special place in my heart as she proceeded to cuss out the audience and dare them not to have a good time at her show! I truly appreciate an artist that can call my mama a bitch and make me get on board with the idea before the night is over!?! That's talent right there :) There's a certain amount of 'fuck it' that one has to have in his/her system to pull this off......and clearly her cup has runeth over!!! So fast forward to her VMA 'performance' throughout the entire show, I must admit at first it was kinda funny. Ha ha....GaGa's a dude! But then after like the 5th commercial break, it was like, okay where's she going with this??? Is this her new alter ego? Does he have a name? Buddy GaGa? And why am I slightly intimidated by this persona? Is that simply a testament to her acting ability? And the questions just went on and on.....I also thought she coulda been an extra in Good Fellas in her newly polished persona...but I digress.....
Justin Beiber: Is it me or is Justin Beiber just a bit 'too grown?' I mean, have your lil girlfriend, and after you win you exchange a lil smooch....eeehhh, okay I guess....but it's something about watching him 'play this role' that seems a bit beyond his years. Then he had on his lil Ole St. Nick specs which put me over the top with 'the act.' Dude, be 12 or 13 or however old you are. High five your friends, hug your mom, hop up on stage hit the 'Dougie' and do a forward roll into a half split....okay scratch the split due to the skinny jeans...but you get what I'm saying!?! You have the rest of your life to 'receive' your awards like that.....your old man swag is killin me!!!
Chris Brown: Oh Chris....Chris is pulling out all the stops now with his performances! I must admit, had I been in the actual audience I think I wouldv'e enjoyed his performance a whole lot more. While creative and engaging it also made me a lil dizzy watching the camera follow his Peter Pan ass hoppin back from stage to stage! Damn it Chris, just pop it....lock it....then sit cho ass down somewhere! Geeeeez! I don't know whose trying to 'pimp their youth' more: him or Rihanna with her 'oops, I didn't realize my finger was in your booty and folks are snappin pics' steez! Puh-leeze!?!
Beyonce': I thought Bey looked absolutely adorable and the way she made her announcement was very cute and classy! I'm happy for her and Jay. I'm sure she'll be a very nurturing mother :) And let's be honest, what 'acting career' has she really put on the back burner *crickets..... Congrats girl, let that onsie air out for a spell!
Jay Z & Kanye West: Now, was there a reason why the two of ya'lls old asses come out there lookin like Rudy and Russell from the Cosby Kids Junkyard Band. *Insert a very aggressive 'c'mon son'! How much harder would their performance have been had they come out there in some nice tailored suits, maybe Kanye could've put on one of his blouses and some accessories...some shined up wing-tipped shoes. I mean the song samples Otis Redding for crying out loud! Clearly you both are supposed to represent the 'upper eshelon' of rap artists at this point....#dobetta
Neyo: I think it's painfully obvious that Neyo was bullied in school and now is so happy to be one of the 'cool kids' he doesn't know what to do with himself!?! And if his hats got any smaller they'd be the equivalent to the one worn by Damon Wayans circa '93 while acting in the "Men on Film" sketch on "In Living Color." Wit dat big ass head and them bite-sized hats! *cue Ike Turner's 'back 'o da head' smack
Lil Wayne: Sir, please stop trying to perform a self-inflicted vasectomy with those tight ass pants!?! I mean, you don't need any more kids...but that's no reason to keep your balls suffocated in those denim vice grips you call skinny jeans. And again, I'm waiting on the re-invention of Weezy. No one denies his lyrically prowess, but your presentation of self sucks!?!
Random Chick Singing Other Folks' Songs Going to Commercial Breaks: Do I even have to elaborate? 1. Who the hell? 2. What the hell? 3. Don't you ever try to even hum a note of "No Scrubs" again in your life. 4. What the hell?
Until the next televised debaucle.....
*Disclaimer: The order of the following commentary in no way reflects the importance nor the order that the thought occurred to me during the show. In other words, here goes my specialty: RANDOM REACTIONS!!!
Nicki Minaj: Le sigh.....now, I'm all for being unique, different, YOU! But sometimes it becomes painfully obvious that you're 'trying' to be this way instead of simply living and this is what happens. It's all about authenticity...your organic self. There was no way in hell that was Nicki's organic self! She look like she had been held captive in Pee Wee's Playhouse which was also the setting for the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race! And was that a stuffed animal of some sort on a leash connected to the outfit!?! No MF ma'am! When did that become a part of 'hip hop?' Once again, there is a new genre emerging that hasn't quite been named or formally recognized yet. But it's 'Pop Hop'...the merging of hip hop undertones with the mainstream appeal (or disdain) of general pop music and culture. Can you imagine if Nicki had worn that to an audition at the same time Queen Latifah was wearing her head dresses and Yo Yo didn't want you to 'play with her?' They'd a been lookin at her like 'is that your final answer?' Food for thought....
Lady (Sir) GaGa: Now, I was watching Lady GaGa in concert in NY on HBO about a month ago and she touched a special place in my heart as she proceeded to cuss out the audience and dare them not to have a good time at her show! I truly appreciate an artist that can call my mama a bitch and make me get on board with the idea before the night is over!?! That's talent right there :) There's a certain amount of 'fuck it' that one has to have in his/her system to pull this off......and clearly her cup has runeth over!!! So fast forward to her VMA 'performance' throughout the entire show, I must admit at first it was kinda funny. Ha ha....GaGa's a dude! But then after like the 5th commercial break, it was like, okay where's she going with this??? Is this her new alter ego? Does he have a name? Buddy GaGa? And why am I slightly intimidated by this persona? Is that simply a testament to her acting ability? And the questions just went on and on.....I also thought she coulda been an extra in Good Fellas in her newly polished persona...but I digress.....
Justin Beiber: Is it me or is Justin Beiber just a bit 'too grown?' I mean, have your lil girlfriend, and after you win you exchange a lil smooch....eeehhh, okay I guess....but it's something about watching him 'play this role' that seems a bit beyond his years. Then he had on his lil Ole St. Nick specs which put me over the top with 'the act.' Dude, be 12 or 13 or however old you are. High five your friends, hug your mom, hop up on stage hit the 'Dougie' and do a forward roll into a half split....okay scratch the split due to the skinny jeans...but you get what I'm saying!?! You have the rest of your life to 'receive' your awards like that.....your old man swag is killin me!!!
Chris Brown: Oh Chris....Chris is pulling out all the stops now with his performances! I must admit, had I been in the actual audience I think I wouldv'e enjoyed his performance a whole lot more. While creative and engaging it also made me a lil dizzy watching the camera follow his Peter Pan ass hoppin back from stage to stage! Damn it Chris, just pop it....lock it....then sit cho ass down somewhere! Geeeeez! I don't know whose trying to 'pimp their youth' more: him or Rihanna with her 'oops, I didn't realize my finger was in your booty and folks are snappin pics' steez! Puh-leeze!?!
Beyonce': I thought Bey looked absolutely adorable and the way she made her announcement was very cute and classy! I'm happy for her and Jay. I'm sure she'll be a very nurturing mother :) And let's be honest, what 'acting career' has she really put on the back burner *crickets..... Congrats girl, let that onsie air out for a spell!
Jay Z & Kanye West: Now, was there a reason why the two of ya'lls old asses come out there lookin like Rudy and Russell from the Cosby Kids Junkyard Band. *Insert a very aggressive 'c'mon son'! How much harder would their performance have been had they come out there in some nice tailored suits, maybe Kanye could've put on one of his blouses and some accessories...some shined up wing-tipped shoes. I mean the song samples Otis Redding for crying out loud! Clearly you both are supposed to represent the 'upper eshelon' of rap artists at this point....#dobetta
Neyo: I think it's painfully obvious that Neyo was bullied in school and now is so happy to be one of the 'cool kids' he doesn't know what to do with himself!?! And if his hats got any smaller they'd be the equivalent to the one worn by Damon Wayans circa '93 while acting in the "Men on Film" sketch on "In Living Color." Wit dat big ass head and them bite-sized hats! *cue Ike Turner's 'back 'o da head' smack
Lil Wayne: Sir, please stop trying to perform a self-inflicted vasectomy with those tight ass pants!?! I mean, you don't need any more kids...but that's no reason to keep your balls suffocated in those denim vice grips you call skinny jeans. And again, I'm waiting on the re-invention of Weezy. No one denies his lyrically prowess, but your presentation of self sucks!?!
Random Chick Singing Other Folks' Songs Going to Commercial Breaks: Do I even have to elaborate? 1. Who the hell? 2. What the hell? 3. Don't you ever try to even hum a note of "No Scrubs" again in your life. 4. What the hell?
Until the next televised debaucle.....
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Fanny....Life is CLEARLY Not a Fairytale!?!
Okay, so by now I'm sure you've gotten wind of Fantasia Barrino's latest 'declaration' that she is indeed 'with child'. I was asked to weigh in on this....so like to hear it....here it go!
Now, if you look back at my second post on this blog, I already spoke it into the universe that I was not surprised at all at the allegations of Fanny's pregnancy. Now of course, this was back when her pregnancy was simply 'speculation' but if you're in photos looking like you're about 20 months preggars with a a papasan chair....then what else are folks supposed to think! While I do think that in the beginning, this Antoine dude was probably telling Fanny one thing and then telling his wife something else....i.e. to Fanny: I'm tryin to be with you and to the wife: even though we're seperated, lets work it out! So while that may have worked for a period of time (*cue 'Everybody Plays the Fool), once this shit hit the media and the real story came out, I think Fanny knew all that she needed to know to make a well-informed decision. She hit a crossroads and had to decide in the face of all that came to light....does she kick him to the curb and move on to the next or does she continue messin with dude and all of his baggage because their connection is just that deep. Clearly we see which route she chose.
So herein lies the problem for me.....so you see the fire burning, some other folk have come along and added some gasoline and additional 'starter logs', the fire has even spread to other areas of your interest because it's just that hot....then you say to yourself, lemme keep 'dancing around the fire butt naked dipped in butter & Lawry's Season All'.....I shouldn't get burned, right? MA'AM!?! PROTECT YOURSELF!?! You can dance around the fire, streak through it, add some shit to it.....but what you must remember to do is protect yourself!!! I'm so not judging by any means, but when you have as much as she has to be totally fucked....or at the very least royally fucked contingent upon your actions, you've got to think this shit beyond we had a fun day at the amusement park so now you don't have to wear a condom tonight! Having said this, a part of me feels like a part of her was okay with getting pregnant by this dude as an illustration of how 'deep' their connection really is in spite of what the media may portray. BOO BOO, the game don't change! Whether you're Elaine from up the street, to Lisa Raye out in Turks & Caicos, to Maria Shriver in CA, to yo ignant ass here in NC! It doesn't matter how many floor exercises you prepare courtesy of Flirty Girl Fitness, how many round offs you can do in a row off of the ceiling fan, how many Pure Romance parties that you purchase a 'catalogue sampler' from, and the ultimate....how many children you bear.....a man ain't staying where he don't wanna be but for so long! So even if ya'll 'agreed' that you'll hang in there just to prove the 'paps' wrong (oh I'm sorry....cuz I just looooove you so much girl), now here comes this child that is sure to sober this dude up like a cop in your rearview mirror after leaving happy hour!
For Fanny's and the baby's sake, I hope they can hang tough but the foundation is extremely shaky...which is always telling. And is it me or does it seem like the drama with his wife just disappeared? What was decided? Is he still technically married? Where does he live? Is the wife (or ex-wife) done with the whole situation? I mean...so much information in the media....then NOTHIN! Weird!?! A part of me feels in my spirit that this dude may try to come out and say that the baby ain't his in the coming months. Wouldn't that be grand! Will they go on Maury? Will his mother support Fanny even though he's not claiming the child? Maybe they'll go on The People's Court over some shit that Fanny has given him (cuz you know she's bought him all kinds of stuff)? There's just so many more turns that this situation could take. Hmmmmm........
Now, if you look back at my second post on this blog, I already spoke it into the universe that I was not surprised at all at the allegations of Fanny's pregnancy. Now of course, this was back when her pregnancy was simply 'speculation' but if you're in photos looking like you're about 20 months preggars with a a papasan chair....then what else are folks supposed to think! While I do think that in the beginning, this Antoine dude was probably telling Fanny one thing and then telling his wife something else....i.e. to Fanny: I'm tryin to be with you and to the wife: even though we're seperated, lets work it out! So while that may have worked for a period of time (*cue 'Everybody Plays the Fool), once this shit hit the media and the real story came out, I think Fanny knew all that she needed to know to make a well-informed decision. She hit a crossroads and had to decide in the face of all that came to light....does she kick him to the curb and move on to the next or does she continue messin with dude and all of his baggage because their connection is just that deep. Clearly we see which route she chose.
So herein lies the problem for me.....so you see the fire burning, some other folk have come along and added some gasoline and additional 'starter logs', the fire has even spread to other areas of your interest because it's just that hot....then you say to yourself, lemme keep 'dancing around the fire butt naked dipped in butter & Lawry's Season All'.....I shouldn't get burned, right? MA'AM!?! PROTECT YOURSELF!?! You can dance around the fire, streak through it, add some shit to it.....but what you must remember to do is protect yourself!!! I'm so not judging by any means, but when you have as much as she has to be totally fucked....or at the very least royally fucked contingent upon your actions, you've got to think this shit beyond we had a fun day at the amusement park so now you don't have to wear a condom tonight! Having said this, a part of me feels like a part of her was okay with getting pregnant by this dude as an illustration of how 'deep' their connection really is in spite of what the media may portray. BOO BOO, the game don't change! Whether you're Elaine from up the street, to Lisa Raye out in Turks & Caicos, to Maria Shriver in CA, to yo ignant ass here in NC! It doesn't matter how many floor exercises you prepare courtesy of Flirty Girl Fitness, how many round offs you can do in a row off of the ceiling fan, how many Pure Romance parties that you purchase a 'catalogue sampler' from, and the ultimate....how many children you bear.....a man ain't staying where he don't wanna be but for so long! So even if ya'll 'agreed' that you'll hang in there just to prove the 'paps' wrong (oh I'm sorry....cuz I just looooove you so much girl), now here comes this child that is sure to sober this dude up like a cop in your rearview mirror after leaving happy hour!
For Fanny's and the baby's sake, I hope they can hang tough but the foundation is extremely shaky...which is always telling. And is it me or does it seem like the drama with his wife just disappeared? What was decided? Is he still technically married? Where does he live? Is the wife (or ex-wife) done with the whole situation? I mean...so much information in the media....then NOTHIN! Weird!?! A part of me feels in my spirit that this dude may try to come out and say that the baby ain't his in the coming months. Wouldn't that be grand! Will they go on Maury? Will his mother support Fanny even though he's not claiming the child? Maybe they'll go on The People's Court over some shit that Fanny has given him (cuz you know she's bought him all kinds of stuff)? There's just so many more turns that this situation could take. Hmmmmm........
Thursday, July 28, 2011
They Smile In Yo Face....
I wanna speak on a situation that I had the displeasure of witnessing last Saturday night. The situation that presented itself to my presence was one that you often hear about and may even suspect that you are seeing but may never be able to prove. This time, I had proof....there was no doubt about it....and all I could do was shake my head.
The bond amongst girlfriends should be a tight one. A 'girl lemme check you with a quick cuss down then say I love you' kinda bond. A 'tell your mama I said hello' kinda bond. An 'if we need to ride out, you know I got you' kinda bond. But that's just my opinion. I've been fortunate and blessed to have crossed paths with some of the most amazing, beautiful, giving, intelligent, thoughtful, witty, sassy, and down right 'ride or die' women over the course of my life. More importantly these women saw fit to grace me with the title of 'friend' and I in return did the same. Not the friend title that comes with a user's manual and expiration date, but the friend title that allows you both to learn and teach as you go and just enjoy the journey together for as long as whenever. We. Us. Ours. Together. So I know how it feels to love someone as your very own sister even though different blood may flow through your veins.
I'm sitting in PF Changs on a Saturday night playing 'hostess with the mostess' to some family members who were visiting me for the weekend. The restaurant was jumpin as we first sat down to let our 30 minute wait time commence. As one sits waiting to be seated in a restaurant, you have the opportunity to see a multitude of folks with the same idea you had about places to dine come and go. We had been sitting there for a good 15 minutes when two young ladies entered the restaurant. It looked like a typical 'ladies night out' situation wherein they would eat first and then proceed to a lounge or club type venue (as also alluded to by their outfit choices for the evening). Once they place their names on the waiting list to be seated and then take a seat to wait, another young lady awkwardly and and seemingly discombobulated enters the restaurant and appears to join them. Now this young lady had to be upward of 300 lbs and had managed to 'stuff' herself into some jeggings and a tank top. #PAUSE As she plops down, clearly out of breath and with sweat beads formed across her brow like morning dew....I then get a look at the coup de gras of her outfit for the evening....the shoes! This sista had stuffed (and I do mean stuffed) her feet into a pair of peep toe stilletos which during the walk from the car now made her feet and ankles look like a tube of busted Grands biscuits. Every woman who has put on a pair of stilletos or just regular high heels for that matter knows all of the tricks to use once you actually take your weight off of your feet by having a seat. There's the "heel rock back," wiggling or popping your toes to redistribute the blood flow, a few ankle rolls, etc. But this chick pulled a new one on me.....she actually laid her foot over to the side (like you would try to place the inside of your ankle on the ground). That one dramatic gesture was the equivalent to if she had just yelled out 'FUCK!' after sitting down.
At first I was tickled...but then as I looked at the three of them interact, I became a bit angry at her girlfriends for multiple reasons: A. Allowing her to even purchase some jeggings let alone putting them on at her size....not that a plus-sized woman cannot dress 'en vogue' but unflattering is unflattering all day & night! B. Not even walking in the place with her....as though you weren't with her! I gave them the benny of the doubt on this one since it was crowded. That could've been an innocent 'girl run in and get our name on the list' type move. C. ALLOWING HER TO TORTURE HERSELF WITH THOSE STILETTOS! The fact that she balanced her 'frame' on those stilletos was a feat in and of itself! But if you could've seen her face....she was clearly just struggling to exist in that get up! D. Then you gon start to talk about how to do "The Wobble" and all the fun you are "about to have" later that night.....BITCH, your girl just did the wobble to get up in this restaurant and you know damn well that's the only 'wobblin' she's gone do tonight!?! Stop frontin! It couldn't be more clearer to me that big girl was destined to be on 'purse duty' later that evening.
Fast forward to after dinner and now my fam and I are leaving. As we get into the car and are about to pull off, who is now exiting the building??? Yes, the black Wilson-Phillips. Tell me why the two smaller chicks, again, walking together out of the restaurant get into the passenger seats of this car. And maybe about 10 steps behind them their much larger 'friend' who at this point has officially said "fuck it" by simply carrying her stilletos in her hand and exiting the restaurant barefoot! #PAUSE So these broads have allowed you to set yourself up with this inappropriate outfit, they also seem to come and go without a care as to whether or not you can keep up, AND they're sitting on the passenger side of your ride!?! Lady, you need to run as fast as you can from these leeches! And took off like a bat outta hell too! I was actually impressed by the 'gusto' of that Altima inspite of the circumstances. Cuz that was a lot 'o ass! *Chest bump to the makers of Nissan vehicles!
LADIES! LADIES! LADIES! The bonds between us can be beautiful....but they can also be some of the most toxic of human relationships. I want girlfriends who won't let me wear shoes that make my toes swell up like vienna sausages yet still act like I'm about to dance at a club. I want girlfriends who walk with me when we're all together. I want girlfriends who would be saddened at the thought of me sweating and being out of breath after walking from my car to any establishment's doorway. I want girlfriends who are actually my FRIEND! BEWARE ladies....all smiles ain't happy and sometimes 'Spring Cleaning' needs to take place year-round.
The bond amongst girlfriends should be a tight one. A 'girl lemme check you with a quick cuss down then say I love you' kinda bond. A 'tell your mama I said hello' kinda bond. An 'if we need to ride out, you know I got you' kinda bond. But that's just my opinion. I've been fortunate and blessed to have crossed paths with some of the most amazing, beautiful, giving, intelligent, thoughtful, witty, sassy, and down right 'ride or die' women over the course of my life. More importantly these women saw fit to grace me with the title of 'friend' and I in return did the same. Not the friend title that comes with a user's manual and expiration date, but the friend title that allows you both to learn and teach as you go and just enjoy the journey together for as long as whenever. We. Us. Ours. Together. So I know how it feels to love someone as your very own sister even though different blood may flow through your veins.
I'm sitting in PF Changs on a Saturday night playing 'hostess with the mostess' to some family members who were visiting me for the weekend. The restaurant was jumpin as we first sat down to let our 30 minute wait time commence. As one sits waiting to be seated in a restaurant, you have the opportunity to see a multitude of folks with the same idea you had about places to dine come and go. We had been sitting there for a good 15 minutes when two young ladies entered the restaurant. It looked like a typical 'ladies night out' situation wherein they would eat first and then proceed to a lounge or club type venue (as also alluded to by their outfit choices for the evening). Once they place their names on the waiting list to be seated and then take a seat to wait, another young lady awkwardly and and seemingly discombobulated enters the restaurant and appears to join them. Now this young lady had to be upward of 300 lbs and had managed to 'stuff' herself into some jeggings and a tank top. #PAUSE As she plops down, clearly out of breath and with sweat beads formed across her brow like morning dew....I then get a look at the coup de gras of her outfit for the evening....the shoes! This sista had stuffed (and I do mean stuffed) her feet into a pair of peep toe stilletos which during the walk from the car now made her feet and ankles look like a tube of busted Grands biscuits. Every woman who has put on a pair of stilletos or just regular high heels for that matter knows all of the tricks to use once you actually take your weight off of your feet by having a seat. There's the "heel rock back," wiggling or popping your toes to redistribute the blood flow, a few ankle rolls, etc. But this chick pulled a new one on me.....she actually laid her foot over to the side (like you would try to place the inside of your ankle on the ground). That one dramatic gesture was the equivalent to if she had just yelled out 'FUCK!' after sitting down.
At first I was tickled...but then as I looked at the three of them interact, I became a bit angry at her girlfriends for multiple reasons: A. Allowing her to even purchase some jeggings let alone putting them on at her size....not that a plus-sized woman cannot dress 'en vogue' but unflattering is unflattering all day & night! B. Not even walking in the place with her....as though you weren't with her! I gave them the benny of the doubt on this one since it was crowded. That could've been an innocent 'girl run in and get our name on the list' type move. C. ALLOWING HER TO TORTURE HERSELF WITH THOSE STILETTOS! The fact that she balanced her 'frame' on those stilletos was a feat in and of itself! But if you could've seen her face....she was clearly just struggling to exist in that get up! D. Then you gon start to talk about how to do "The Wobble" and all the fun you are "about to have" later that night.....BITCH, your girl just did the wobble to get up in this restaurant and you know damn well that's the only 'wobblin' she's gone do tonight!?! Stop frontin! It couldn't be more clearer to me that big girl was destined to be on 'purse duty' later that evening.
Fast forward to after dinner and now my fam and I are leaving. As we get into the car and are about to pull off, who is now exiting the building??? Yes, the black Wilson-Phillips. Tell me why the two smaller chicks, again, walking together out of the restaurant get into the passenger seats of this car. And maybe about 10 steps behind them their much larger 'friend' who at this point has officially said "fuck it" by simply carrying her stilletos in her hand and exiting the restaurant barefoot! #PAUSE So these broads have allowed you to set yourself up with this inappropriate outfit, they also seem to come and go without a care as to whether or not you can keep up, AND they're sitting on the passenger side of your ride!?! Lady, you need to run as fast as you can from these leeches! And took off like a bat outta hell too! I was actually impressed by the 'gusto' of that Altima inspite of the circumstances. Cuz that was a lot 'o ass! *Chest bump to the makers of Nissan vehicles!
LADIES! LADIES! LADIES! The bonds between us can be beautiful....but they can also be some of the most toxic of human relationships. I want girlfriends who won't let me wear shoes that make my toes swell up like vienna sausages yet still act like I'm about to dance at a club. I want girlfriends who walk with me when we're all together. I want girlfriends who would be saddened at the thought of me sweating and being out of breath after walking from my car to any establishment's doorway. I want girlfriends who are actually my FRIEND! BEWARE ladies....all smiles ain't happy and sometimes 'Spring Cleaning' needs to take place year-round.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
#shotsfired!
So I'm on my way into work this morning. Headed down 85 S in my usual manner. Having a pretty good morning...even managed to eat breakfast which consisted of OJ and a turkey sausage biscuit! The morning commute is usually not too eventful which is a good thing because an 'event' would usually consist of an accident of some sort which would then back up traffic and subsequently have me on the highway with my brow wrinkled. So I'm riding along in the far left lane when this man passes me on the oldest motorcyle I think I've ever seen. I'm talking pre-CHIPs, pre-Police Academy 1-6, and damn sure pre-Fast & The Furious. For this reason one of my girlfriends said it was a 'motorbike' and not quite what we would call a 'motorcycle' here in 2011. It's an older black man clearly pushing this contraption to it's max and his look on the bike with his circa 1976 helmet was just as intense as the overall situation. I think I even caught a glimpse of a number on the bike....as though it was a racing bike of some sort at one time. #PAUSE So he passes me and after I chuckle a bit to myself about the visual of it all, I'm now simply driving along listening to a lil Mary J. to get my mind right for the work day.
All of a sudden I hear: POW! POW!....POW! My first immediate reflex was to begin to duck a bit as I try not to steer my car into the cement barrier on my left. Are those gun shots!?! And they sound close! Am I caught in the middle of a gang war right here on the highway? Who the hell has a beef so tough at 8:00 in the morning that you just go to shootin on a highway? I mean it's hard to mess up breakfast food, but an overcooked egg does make me a lil aggressive...but I digress. Again, POW! POW! So I'm looking around in all of my mirrors to see if I can spot anyone driving eratically behind me or if I see anything out of the ordinary. Nothing. By this time, the music is off and my awareness level is on ORANGE/RED as TSA would say! Then it dawns on me as I approach this "Roaring 20's" motorbike....this mothafucka is back-firing! Here I am feeling like Cain at the end of Menace II Society and these 'shots' are simply back-firings from this old ass rigged up motorbike! I immediately become tickled as I eventually pass the man because his facial expression under that medieval viking helmet never changes as though he didn't hear his bike 'shooting' at everyone on 85 this morning!
The Good Word: Yes, we are a resourceful people and can 'rig' & 'finagle' unlike any others. But sometimes enough is enough. Him continuing to ride that 'aggressive' motorbike was the equivalent of tacking a milk crate to a backboard without a hoop. We've got to recognize boundaries people. I hope there's no malfunctions with the gas shaft sir. With all that 'open fire' shit could get real fucked up....real quick for you in July....in the south!
All of a sudden I hear: POW! POW!....POW! My first immediate reflex was to begin to duck a bit as I try not to steer my car into the cement barrier on my left. Are those gun shots!?! And they sound close! Am I caught in the middle of a gang war right here on the highway? Who the hell has a beef so tough at 8:00 in the morning that you just go to shootin on a highway? I mean it's hard to mess up breakfast food, but an overcooked egg does make me a lil aggressive...but I digress. Again, POW! POW! So I'm looking around in all of my mirrors to see if I can spot anyone driving eratically behind me or if I see anything out of the ordinary. Nothing. By this time, the music is off and my awareness level is on ORANGE/RED as TSA would say! Then it dawns on me as I approach this "Roaring 20's" motorbike....this mothafucka is back-firing! Here I am feeling like Cain at the end of Menace II Society and these 'shots' are simply back-firings from this old ass rigged up motorbike! I immediately become tickled as I eventually pass the man because his facial expression under that medieval viking helmet never changes as though he didn't hear his bike 'shooting' at everyone on 85 this morning!
The Good Word: Yes, we are a resourceful people and can 'rig' & 'finagle' unlike any others. But sometimes enough is enough. Him continuing to ride that 'aggressive' motorbike was the equivalent of tacking a milk crate to a backboard without a hoop. We've got to recognize boundaries people. I hope there's no malfunctions with the gas shaft sir. With all that 'open fire' shit could get real fucked up....real quick for you in July....in the south!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Bus Trip Etiquette 101
As we enter into this last leg of summer 2011, it seems like there just aren't enough hours in a day or days in a week to get in all of the summer fun & frolic that you can while it's still the recognized 'vacay season.' Post mid-August, supervisors seem to start giving you the side eye when you submit leave request forms...as we are out of the official season o' vacays ma'am. Then you begin to come up with some 'randomly strategic' bouts with various illnesses to tap into that 'sick leave'...but I digress! Another very important factor as you plan to indulge in summer activities is keeping an eye on that 'Bank o' YOU.' How can I still take a vacay or a staycay and keep it reasonably cost-effective? Well when I asked myself that question earlier this summer, my answer came in the form of a convenient service called the Megabus.
Now for those of you who are from the Northeast, you may be familiar with a number of bus services that 'shuttle' folks to popular destination sites at almost unbelievably low prices. Well as a southern gal, this concept was fairly new to me yet gave me new optimism to plan various trips this summer! I just completed my second successful Megabus trip and I wanted to weigh in on a few bus trip etiquette 'faux pas' that I have witnessed and/or experienced as a passenger. It's amazing what one is exposed to just as a result of taking any form of public transportation. I'm not a fan of public transportation as my daily means of mobility, but with the price of gas continuing to make my left eye well up with each fill up.....I decided that something's got to give!
BUS TRIP ETIQUETTE FAUX PAS
Now for those of you who are from the Northeast, you may be familiar with a number of bus services that 'shuttle' folks to popular destination sites at almost unbelievably low prices. Well as a southern gal, this concept was fairly new to me yet gave me new optimism to plan various trips this summer! I just completed my second successful Megabus trip and I wanted to weigh in on a few bus trip etiquette 'faux pas' that I have witnessed and/or experienced as a passenger. It's amazing what one is exposed to just as a result of taking any form of public transportation. I'm not a fan of public transportation as my daily means of mobility, but with the price of gas continuing to make my left eye well up with each fill up.....I decided that something's got to give!
BUS TRIP ETIQUETTE FAUX PAS
- Bus Attendants: Your job is to tend to the passengers. Megabus always provides 2 drivers for each trip to help combat against extreme levels of fatigue for one person. AWESOME! So, as passengers board the bus to begin a trip, 1 should be checking tix while the other assists passengers with placing their bags under the bus. Sir, I understand that you just had to get a few more puffs off of that Newport before starting this bus trip, however, I think I just ruptured, sprained, and dislocated my 106th &107th vertebrae trying to simultaneously bend, lift, and move this piece of luggage onto the bottom of this bus. Please & Thank you in advance. Sidenote: It also pisses me off that you watch me struggle & still don't feel moved to help. *Cue Miss Celie's 2 fingered point..."eeerythang you dun done to me...I already dun done to you."
- Bus snacks should be just that.....SNACKS! Anything that requires a utensil to consume, anything that is so fragrant it would 'light up' the entire bus as soon as you open the container, anything that you wouldn't want to eat in the car while driving is not an appropriate bus snack. Examples include, but are not limited to: brunswick stew, beef stroganoff, spaghetti, boiled eggs, boiled onions w/ garlic on the side.....you get my drift!
- Only cuddle and/or lay on the shoulder of those you know. There is nothing worse than waking up with a stranger ever so gently breathing on your neck and clutching your arm as if you are a 'seeing eye' guide. No MF ma'am or sir!
- Talking on cell phones should be kept to a minimum. The whole bus does not care to know your own personal thoughts about the 'riding on the bus' experience. Please wait until Gwen & Erma pick you up to let them know how pleased you are with the trip and more importantly the price of the tix.
- Bring a jacket/blanket/something to wear because the bus may get chilly. Part of the reason bus drivers keep the air pumping is so that they will stay awake and you will then 'arrive alive.' It's just like the movie theatre...it should be understood that you may need a wrap to maintain a decent body temp...otherwise, prepare for your nipples to be as hard as AP Math in China under that lone tank top!
- If you are sitting in a seat with a stranger and a seat opens up-MOVE! Unless we are traveling together, there's no loyalty with regard to seat occupancy. I can't feel either of my baby toes cuz I'm trying to maintain a respectable stature in my seat beside you....and you ain't tryin to move! No MF ma'am or sir!
- Once we stop after an extended driving time & you have been to sleep....your breath now stinks! Just because you are not sleep in your bed at the house does not mean that your mouth will not smell bad after dozing off for an hour or so on a bus. Unless 'mesquite open ass' is the flavor on your box of tic tacs with that smell being the goal once consumed...point your eyes at me to let me know you're talking to me but cover your mouth to acknowledge the 'situation' at hand.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
NEEEEEEXT!
Picture it: Saturday afternoon, approximately 93 degrees outside, the sun shining and freely giving of her abundance of vitamin D...and your girl has a date! More like a first "meet & greet" (cuz I'm doing the online dating thing) but a set date, time, and location = a date :)
Now let's back up to last Wednesday. On this day, I was invited to lunch by this brotha that I've been conversing off & on with for a little while now. Our schedules hadn't yielded an opportunity for us to meet until now, so it was finally time to put a face with this name and voice. So far convo was cool, from his 'profile pic' he seemed like a handsome guy and quite mature and well spoken to be only 25. *I refuse to claim "Cougar" status...but perhaps a lil Panther-ish ;) Anyhoo, the following synopsis of Saturday afternoon's unfolding of events is sure to vividly illustrate for you why I chose the title of this particular entry! Enjoy cuz I was ticked in my spirit at multiple times during this adventure! A single gal has got to keep a sense of humor these days :)
Saturday Afternoon & I'm Feeling Good.....
12:00pm: Showering up and applying the most delicate balance of fragrance as to not warrant a bee/wasp chase...yet will surely turn a head or two!
12:45pm: I attempted to call and 'check in' to make sure we were still 'on' for a 1:00 lunch (no answer)
12:57pm: Now I'm in the car and en route to the restaurant that he chose (cuz if I plan too much...apparently it's not 'letting a man be a man'...so ya girl's on autopilot these days!) and I call once more to say that I won't be there exactly at 1:00 but I'm on my way...this time, he answers and let's me know that he hasn't even left the house yet. ME: Really, is everything okay? HIM: Oh yea, I was just chillin here wit my boy who was supposed to be working on my car. ME: *crickets.....okay, well I should be there a lil after 1. HIM: Okay, I'll see you there...now, I'm not looking my best, I was just hoping to meet you, chill, and talk ME: *crickets...okay, so see u in a few.
1:13pm: I have now arrived at this restaurant which is the equivalent to "Mel's Diner" complete with a lunch counter that I'm sure blacks were not always permitted to sit at. STRIKE #1! I'm immediately tickled and waiting for Ashton Kutcher & crew to pull up with release papers...cuz surely I'm being Punk'd! I call once again to let him know that I'm at the place. HIM: Oh okay, I'm on my way. ME: So you haven't left your house yet? HIM: I'm walking out the door now. ME: I mean, if there's too much going on today, we can do this another time. HIM: Well, I'm hungry, so I'm gonna eat regardless. ME: *crickets.....yep, so if you can't get here by 1:30, don't even worry about it.
1:26pm: As I'm sitting in the parking lot, a man walked infront of my vehicle...I'm looking at him & he's looking at me but I'm not sure if it's him because he did not look like his profile pic. *Mind you, this is the first time that this has happened to me where someone used one of their high school senior portraits as their profile pic and then they show up and all I can do is cock my head to the side in wonder like a german shephard. So then this dude beckons to me as if to say, 'c'mon in' and that's how I realized that this was indeed him. :( STRIKE #2!
When I stepped into "Mom & Pop's Place" I was immediately transported to the set of "In the Heat of the Night" (movie or tv show...you choose) and I was looking for Mr. Tibbs to come out to take our order! This dude is quite sloppy and is wearing this hat that only Columbo or a man who is eligible to collect AARP bennies should even try on. Sir, are you sure you're only 25? Everything inside of me wanted to just run back to my ride and speed away to call anyone who would pick up and start my story by simply exclaiming: "FML"...but I digress. The waitress comes over to take our drink orders...I order a pink lemonade and this dude orders a cup of coffee!?! Now, it's hot as balls in a leather jock strap on a hot plate outside and you're ordering coffee!?! And at closer look once I'm sitting directly across the table from dude, he does indeed like coffee as evident from his badly stained teeth :( When the waitress returns, he proceeds to order chicken fingers & fries and once his plate arrives, he then covers everything with hot sauce. Now I absolutely ADORE (as sang by Prince) Texas Pete Hot Sauce...so that's not my beef. However, what I am concerned about at this point is that you are consuming hot coffee, hot chicken & potatoes covered with hot sauce, you have not removed your hat which is clearly made of some type of wool/polyester blend, and it's July in the south.....sir, I'm becoming musty just sitting across from you watching all of this unfold!?! STRIKE #3-5!
As I'm simply trying to be a good person and respect this other human being that I'm sitting across from, I completely checked out once he began to share with me that the tone of my voice reminded him of one of his friends who just happens to be a lesbian. Now, the way he lets me know this is by saying: "yea, she's a lil...*insert hand gesture that I haven't seen in years to imply that someone may be gay*....cuz I don't want to say it." "I hope you're not offended...I'm not saying you're like her, I'm just saying you sound like her." First of all, DAWG, you a grown ass man and you can't verbalize the word gay without it being an ordeal!?! And further more, if simply the sound of my voice reminds you of your friend's voice, what does it mattter that she's a lesbian? Why did you feel the need to just throw that into the conversation...oh I'm sorry, 'act it out' in your little impromptu game of Taboo that I was unaware we were playing. STRIKE INFINITY!
The Good Word: The location of 'first dates' matters...I love a good 'dive' with awesome food, but those are places you go with folks you're already comfortable with. I'm not interested in dating any 86 year olds trapped in '25 year old' bodies. And he should definitely set that hat on fire and invest in some Crest white strips!?!
Now let's back up to last Wednesday. On this day, I was invited to lunch by this brotha that I've been conversing off & on with for a little while now. Our schedules hadn't yielded an opportunity for us to meet until now, so it was finally time to put a face with this name and voice. So far convo was cool, from his 'profile pic' he seemed like a handsome guy and quite mature and well spoken to be only 25. *I refuse to claim "Cougar" status...but perhaps a lil Panther-ish ;) Anyhoo, the following synopsis of Saturday afternoon's unfolding of events is sure to vividly illustrate for you why I chose the title of this particular entry! Enjoy cuz I was ticked in my spirit at multiple times during this adventure! A single gal has got to keep a sense of humor these days :)
Saturday Afternoon & I'm Feeling Good.....
12:00pm: Showering up and applying the most delicate balance of fragrance as to not warrant a bee/wasp chase...yet will surely turn a head or two!
12:45pm: I attempted to call and 'check in' to make sure we were still 'on' for a 1:00 lunch (no answer)
12:57pm: Now I'm in the car and en route to the restaurant that he chose (cuz if I plan too much...apparently it's not 'letting a man be a man'...so ya girl's on autopilot these days!) and I call once more to say that I won't be there exactly at 1:00 but I'm on my way...this time, he answers and let's me know that he hasn't even left the house yet. ME: Really, is everything okay? HIM: Oh yea, I was just chillin here wit my boy who was supposed to be working on my car. ME: *crickets.....okay, well I should be there a lil after 1. HIM: Okay, I'll see you there...now, I'm not looking my best, I was just hoping to meet you, chill, and talk ME: *crickets...okay, so see u in a few.
1:13pm: I have now arrived at this restaurant which is the equivalent to "Mel's Diner" complete with a lunch counter that I'm sure blacks were not always permitted to sit at. STRIKE #1! I'm immediately tickled and waiting for Ashton Kutcher & crew to pull up with release papers...cuz surely I'm being Punk'd! I call once again to let him know that I'm at the place. HIM: Oh okay, I'm on my way. ME: So you haven't left your house yet? HIM: I'm walking out the door now. ME: I mean, if there's too much going on today, we can do this another time. HIM: Well, I'm hungry, so I'm gonna eat regardless. ME: *crickets.....yep, so if you can't get here by 1:30, don't even worry about it.
1:26pm: As I'm sitting in the parking lot, a man walked infront of my vehicle...I'm looking at him & he's looking at me but I'm not sure if it's him because he did not look like his profile pic. *Mind you, this is the first time that this has happened to me where someone used one of their high school senior portraits as their profile pic and then they show up and all I can do is cock my head to the side in wonder like a german shephard. So then this dude beckons to me as if to say, 'c'mon in' and that's how I realized that this was indeed him. :( STRIKE #2!
When I stepped into "Mom & Pop's Place" I was immediately transported to the set of "In the Heat of the Night" (movie or tv show...you choose) and I was looking for Mr. Tibbs to come out to take our order! This dude is quite sloppy and is wearing this hat that only Columbo or a man who is eligible to collect AARP bennies should even try on. Sir, are you sure you're only 25? Everything inside of me wanted to just run back to my ride and speed away to call anyone who would pick up and start my story by simply exclaiming: "FML"...but I digress. The waitress comes over to take our drink orders...I order a pink lemonade and this dude orders a cup of coffee!?! Now, it's hot as balls in a leather jock strap on a hot plate outside and you're ordering coffee!?! And at closer look once I'm sitting directly across the table from dude, he does indeed like coffee as evident from his badly stained teeth :( When the waitress returns, he proceeds to order chicken fingers & fries and once his plate arrives, he then covers everything with hot sauce. Now I absolutely ADORE (as sang by Prince) Texas Pete Hot Sauce...so that's not my beef. However, what I am concerned about at this point is that you are consuming hot coffee, hot chicken & potatoes covered with hot sauce, you have not removed your hat which is clearly made of some type of wool/polyester blend, and it's July in the south.....sir, I'm becoming musty just sitting across from you watching all of this unfold!?! STRIKE #3-5!
As I'm simply trying to be a good person and respect this other human being that I'm sitting across from, I completely checked out once he began to share with me that the tone of my voice reminded him of one of his friends who just happens to be a lesbian. Now, the way he lets me know this is by saying: "yea, she's a lil...*insert hand gesture that I haven't seen in years to imply that someone may be gay*....cuz I don't want to say it." "I hope you're not offended...I'm not saying you're like her, I'm just saying you sound like her." First of all, DAWG, you a grown ass man and you can't verbalize the word gay without it being an ordeal!?! And further more, if simply the sound of my voice reminds you of your friend's voice, what does it mattter that she's a lesbian? Why did you feel the need to just throw that into the conversation...oh I'm sorry, 'act it out' in your little impromptu game of Taboo that I was unaware we were playing. STRIKE INFINITY!
The Good Word: The location of 'first dates' matters...I love a good 'dive' with awesome food, but those are places you go with folks you're already comfortable with. I'm not interested in dating any 86 year olds trapped in '25 year old' bodies. And he should definitely set that hat on fire and invest in some Crest white strips!?!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
About face?
Up until this point I have been a self-proclaimed lover of 'all things spa.' Well, maybe not all things....I had my first professional facial today and I must say I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would! While my aesthetician was very pleasant and warm...as she commenced to apply product to my face...my experience went down hill from there. First of all, I told her this was my first facial...translation: it would be nice if you walk me through each step of this process so that I'll know what's coming. Well, she didn't hear the translation and the next thing I know she's goin in on my cheeks and chin! Now, I'm laid back on a table and she's sitting at my head. While common sense told me to close my eyes and keep them closed while she's applying various products....I also expected her to go around my eyes and not necessarily rub over them just like they were my cheeks or my forehead. Well, I was WRONG! Because she's standing over me to begin cleaning my face and she's rubbing the cleanser and then exfoliant into my face in an upward motion so now I'm feeling the products slowly creep into my eye and then of course, begin to burn. I'm trying my hardest to keep my eyes closed tightly, but because of how she's rubbing everything in, it's starting to irritate my eyes. So I let her know and then she attempts to wipe my eyes out. Then I'm like, no ma'am...give me a damp towel so that I can regain my sight because right now you're exfoliating my pupils. Then she goes, "you gotta remember to keep your eyes closed while I'm applying products!" Perhaps ma'am if you would stop rubbing my face as though it were my shoulders that simple gesture would indeed keep all products out of my eyes!?! Jerk!?! STRIKE #1!
Now on to the steam treatment. Now, I've done a modified treatment similar to this at home, so I'm kinda looking forward to this part. So she puts these pads over my eyes and then turns on the steamer. This time she told me what she was about to do...praise God! So I'm laying there and at first I felt very relaxed and enjoyed the steam encouraging my face to form tiny beads of sweat that began to trickle down my neck. Then with the steam blowing directly into my face, I guess my airways began to dry out because then I got to sneezing and coughing trying to 'lube up' my airways again. Also at this time, she has promptly left the room. So then I begin to roll my head back and forth out of direct line from the steam to breathe some 'normal' air from time to time. It kinda felt like when you open the oven with glasses on and it makes them fog up....but a constant state of that....STRIKE #2!
She returns after about 7-10 minutes and then applies a mask to my face. This smelled really good and was kinda tingly so I'm thinking things are looking up! Then she's like, "now I'm going to blow some oxygen on your face"....I'm thinking to myself, so you bout to turn on a fan! :) *I tickled myself inside just a lil! At any rate, the 'oxygen' provided a nice cool breeze as I'm sitting there with the mask on. She leaves the room again for about 10 minutes. Upon her re-entering the room, she makes some small talk and then sits down at my head...the next thing I know I hear: clip! clip! clip! file! file! file! Am I hearing correctly? Yes, she is clipping and filing down her fingernails before continuing on with my service. Again, not a right or wrong situation per se...but a matter of appropriateness.....and you ma'am are so disrespecting my spa experience right now! STRIKE #3!
Moving forward, I think I'll stick with my manis, pedis, and massages and do my own facial work. I think I'll probably try a facial one more time just for comparison's sake, but for now...I'M GOOD!?!
Now on to the steam treatment. Now, I've done a modified treatment similar to this at home, so I'm kinda looking forward to this part. So she puts these pads over my eyes and then turns on the steamer. This time she told me what she was about to do...praise God! So I'm laying there and at first I felt very relaxed and enjoyed the steam encouraging my face to form tiny beads of sweat that began to trickle down my neck. Then with the steam blowing directly into my face, I guess my airways began to dry out because then I got to sneezing and coughing trying to 'lube up' my airways again. Also at this time, she has promptly left the room. So then I begin to roll my head back and forth out of direct line from the steam to breathe some 'normal' air from time to time. It kinda felt like when you open the oven with glasses on and it makes them fog up....but a constant state of that....STRIKE #2!
She returns after about 7-10 minutes and then applies a mask to my face. This smelled really good and was kinda tingly so I'm thinking things are looking up! Then she's like, "now I'm going to blow some oxygen on your face"....I'm thinking to myself, so you bout to turn on a fan! :) *I tickled myself inside just a lil! At any rate, the 'oxygen' provided a nice cool breeze as I'm sitting there with the mask on. She leaves the room again for about 10 minutes. Upon her re-entering the room, she makes some small talk and then sits down at my head...the next thing I know I hear: clip! clip! clip! file! file! file! Am I hearing correctly? Yes, she is clipping and filing down her fingernails before continuing on with my service. Again, not a right or wrong situation per se...but a matter of appropriateness.....and you ma'am are so disrespecting my spa experience right now! STRIKE #3!
Moving forward, I think I'll stick with my manis, pedis, and massages and do my own facial work. I think I'll probably try a facial one more time just for comparison's sake, but for now...I'M GOOD!?!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Hooters & Maternity Leave
So I'm sitting in Hooters with some friends on Saturday night....and taking in all of the ambience. Now I don't know the last time I actually set foot inside of a Hooters but I do remember having great wings and a couple of good cocktails so....I'm game! All is going according to plan as we get a table, sit down, and start to look over the menus. The "Hooter Girls" are in full effect with their signature orange 'dukes' and white tank tops (both midriff baring and covered lengths). A couple were cute and well put together as you would expect...but overall the caliber of 'Hooter Girl' in this particular franchise was less than impressive. When all of a sudden....my girlfriend gives me the heads up to 'peep' the waitress that is presently standing directly behind me...but about to pass our table. And boy when she does.....it is clearly a 'party of 2' situation! Yes people, this 'Hooter Girl' was clearly about 6-8 months preggars! Now even though you could tell that she was a small framed woman pre-pregnancy which allowed her to continue to fit comfortably into her 'dukes' and a bit more uncomfortably into her significantly stretched out baby tee.....the soccer ball infront of her body completely dominated her full-frontal visual.
So that brings me to my next train of thought...was it even appropriate for a woman that far along in her pregnancy to continue to report to work at Hooters? Now, I'm sure by law Hooters can't tell her that she can't come to work after a certain point. I also know that the recession is real so folks gotta keep the gigs they got. But, c'mon son!?! I guess I never thought about this situation until I actually witnessed it. I know 'Hooters Girls' aren't strippers, but I'm a parallel thinker so immediately I'm trying to think of other settings in which you'd promptly do your best Scooby Doo impression at the sight of a pregnant woman. Let's say 'Cinnamon' or 'Street Heat' just hit the stage and is clearly in her 3rd trimester.....what would be the first thing that goes through your mind? #imjustsayin
So that brings me to my next train of thought...was it even appropriate for a woman that far along in her pregnancy to continue to report to work at Hooters? Now, I'm sure by law Hooters can't tell her that she can't come to work after a certain point. I also know that the recession is real so folks gotta keep the gigs they got. But, c'mon son!?! I guess I never thought about this situation until I actually witnessed it. I know 'Hooters Girls' aren't strippers, but I'm a parallel thinker so immediately I'm trying to think of other settings in which you'd promptly do your best Scooby Doo impression at the sight of a pregnant woman. Let's say 'Cinnamon' or 'Street Heat' just hit the stage and is clearly in her 3rd trimester.....what would be the first thing that goes through your mind? #imjustsayin
Thursday, June 30, 2011
WANNA GET AWAY?
Over the years as I have gotten to know different people, those closest to me know that I am prone to gastrointestinal maylay (if you will). Sometimes there is a warning involved whereby I understand that there is a fixed amount of time on the proverbial clock during which I must locate the nearest facility. Other times maylay will ensue cloaked by the element of surprise. Since consistently changing my eating habits back in '09, I must say that I have not continued to regularly compete in this "Olympics of My Colon" wherein the only event is to keep from 'sharting' in any public venue and/or space not designated to support such a release. Yet still there are some instances that create an instant Snickers bar commercial in that....you just wanna get away....or in this case, get to the bathroom!?!
Have you ever been riding down the interstate and just as you approach your exit you notice a lil back up in traffic? "Oh well, I'm not in a rush. At least I'm almost at my exit!" So you sit there for a few moments with the ability to "kiss" the bumper of the car infront of you with your bumper....maybe find some tunes on the radio to distract you...or maybe even make a call and start a conversation with a friend. Then outta nowhere you feel a 'SHIFT' inside of you that you know is only denoting one outcome. And suddenly that exit that you were happy to be so close to despite the traffic seems miles away. Your level of discomfort increases as you have now risen up in the driver's seat like an agitated cobra while clenching your butt cheeks together. All the while, you begin to feel small air bubbles traveling "back up" which you know is only going to make for a more 'musical' exit of what's 'knocking at the door!' So by this time you've got to cut the music down because now you have to become one with your thoughts and 'will' yourself safely to your destination. At this time also, you may begin to whisper outloud to the merging lane, the exit lane itself, and stoplights that you approach. So now in your role as the "Traffic Whisperer" it is your main priority to simply clear your path as quickly and safely as you are able to better enable you to get to a facility.
Now you've pulled up to your house FINALLY and are all set to make that 'mad dash' into the house but you're scared to 'unclench' your cheeks because the power of what's been building up in the car just might've turned into an involuntary action once you stand and walk. So you take a deep breath in (cuz breathing normally is just like saying 'okay, the coast is clear!' :) You fumble with your keys (careful not to drop them because the posture of bending down to pick them up would surely send s*%$ flying outta your ass like a bullet from a gun!) Now you're in the house and all you can do is drop all that you may have in your hands on the floor and begin to run while stripping of all clothing. Why you must get naked to handle this situation is beyond me...but I didn't make the rules! So as you sit on your 'thrown' butt naked and finally able to resume your normal breathing pattern you begin to reflect on the rollercoaster of emotion that has just ended...realizing that if you had to describe the Top 5 worst feelings in the world: having to GO when you're stuck in traffic could sho nuff secure a spot!
Have you ever been riding down the interstate and just as you approach your exit you notice a lil back up in traffic? "Oh well, I'm not in a rush. At least I'm almost at my exit!" So you sit there for a few moments with the ability to "kiss" the bumper of the car infront of you with your bumper....maybe find some tunes on the radio to distract you...or maybe even make a call and start a conversation with a friend. Then outta nowhere you feel a 'SHIFT' inside of you that you know is only denoting one outcome. And suddenly that exit that you were happy to be so close to despite the traffic seems miles away. Your level of discomfort increases as you have now risen up in the driver's seat like an agitated cobra while clenching your butt cheeks together. All the while, you begin to feel small air bubbles traveling "back up" which you know is only going to make for a more 'musical' exit of what's 'knocking at the door!' So by this time you've got to cut the music down because now you have to become one with your thoughts and 'will' yourself safely to your destination. At this time also, you may begin to whisper outloud to the merging lane, the exit lane itself, and stoplights that you approach. So now in your role as the "Traffic Whisperer" it is your main priority to simply clear your path as quickly and safely as you are able to better enable you to get to a facility.
Now you've pulled up to your house FINALLY and are all set to make that 'mad dash' into the house but you're scared to 'unclench' your cheeks because the power of what's been building up in the car just might've turned into an involuntary action once you stand and walk. So you take a deep breath in (cuz breathing normally is just like saying 'okay, the coast is clear!' :) You fumble with your keys (careful not to drop them because the posture of bending down to pick them up would surely send s*%$ flying outta your ass like a bullet from a gun!) Now you're in the house and all you can do is drop all that you may have in your hands on the floor and begin to run while stripping of all clothing. Why you must get naked to handle this situation is beyond me...but I didn't make the rules! So as you sit on your 'thrown' butt naked and finally able to resume your normal breathing pattern you begin to reflect on the rollercoaster of emotion that has just ended...realizing that if you had to describe the Top 5 worst feelings in the world: having to GO when you're stuck in traffic could sho nuff secure a spot!
DAMN....Why they wanna stick me for my paper!?!
Being fairly young into my career I must say that one of the things that I've enjoyed the most about having steady employment has been having the ability to give money to my parents should they need a lil extra help from time to time. I can still remember the first time I was able to do so and how good I felt about myself not only having the means to do it, but WANTING to do it...cuz that's two different things! Nowadays, both of my folks are retired and pretty much living on a fixed income so when I can spare a few coins....to the mailbox I go!
So I'm riding in the car and my phone rings...it's Dad :)
DAD: "Hey baby, listen.....we just got the card that I think you sent to your mama cuz the envelope was tore up somethin terrible! It looks like the post office placed the card in a US Postal Service envelope instead. But I was reading the card and I think you might've put some money in it...did you send some money in this card?"
ME: "Yeah, I did...I think it may have been $25."
DAD: "Yeah baby, they got us! I just told ya mama you probably sent her some money."
{Hands the phone to mommy}
MOM: "Re, thank you for the thought baby. But you see how folk do...I oughtta go up there right now and raise hell.... just because!"
ME: I know ma, that's a shame. We're working class folks just tryin to stretch out our lil coins...Oh well, I'll just have to send you more when I can.
MOM: "And since there's no way for me to know exactly WHO took my money, I'm just angry at the whole postal service. Make you wanna just go over there and s#!* on the sidewalk don't it!?! *PAUSE*
"The Good Word": Whenever you find yourself in a situation that leaves you unable to verbally express the exact level of pisstivity at which you have just arrived, understand that simply relieving yourself (#1 or #2....with an emphasis on #2) within eyesight of who or what has just pissed you off is OBVIOUSLY the next best choice to get your point across!
So I'm riding in the car and my phone rings...it's Dad :)
DAD: "Hey baby, listen.....we just got the card that I think you sent to your mama cuz the envelope was tore up somethin terrible! It looks like the post office placed the card in a US Postal Service envelope instead. But I was reading the card and I think you might've put some money in it...did you send some money in this card?"
ME: "Yeah, I did...I think it may have been $25."
DAD: "Yeah baby, they got us! I just told ya mama you probably sent her some money."
{Hands the phone to mommy}
MOM: "Re, thank you for the thought baby. But you see how folk do...I oughtta go up there right now and raise hell.... just because!"
ME: I know ma, that's a shame. We're working class folks just tryin to stretch out our lil coins...Oh well, I'll just have to send you more when I can.
MOM: "And since there's no way for me to know exactly WHO took my money, I'm just angry at the whole postal service. Make you wanna just go over there and s#!* on the sidewalk don't it!?! *PAUSE*
"The Good Word": Whenever you find yourself in a situation that leaves you unable to verbally express the exact level of pisstivity at which you have just arrived, understand that simply relieving yourself (#1 or #2....with an emphasis on #2) within eyesight of who or what has just pissed you off is OBVIOUSLY the next best choice to get your point across!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
And Mama Used to Say....
For those of you who do not know, I am EXTREMELY close to both of my parents. While I've always been a daddy's girl, as I've matured and gotten older over the years....I realized that I an truly a carbon copy of my mother and for that reason, she and I understand each other on a level that is very special. For those of you who have had the pleasure of meeting my mom, you then get the full understanding that I'm simply 'chip' and she's definitely the ole 'block' all day!?! One of my favorite reasons to sit down and talk to my mother is because she always has a one liner that will sum up an entire conversation in such way that while you are entertained, you no longer feel the need to continue having the conversation. And what never ceases to amaze me is how still to this day at almost 31 years of age, she's still hitting me with new ones! I'm like, "mom, did you just make that up?" And she swears that she's only repeating what she heard her mother or grandmother say at some point in her life. So there you have it people, foolishness is in my lineage :)
I will be reserving the "And Mama Used to Say..." segment for any and all of the unique one liners that I hear my mother (or anyone else for that matter) say that I have now retained and added to my regularly used vernacular!
So a whiiiile ago, I'm talking to mommy and we're speaking about those members of our family that had we had the option to choose them...probably wouldn't have made the cut! (don't act like you don't feel me on that one) Anyhoo, so somebody's locked up again, somebody don had another baby, other folk stealing from other disabled fam members...and the litany goes on and on. So we begin to speak about a couple of these situations that have been recurring situations with some of these folks and we're trying to understand how one keeps making the same decisions with the verbalized 'hopes' to gain a different result. If you are in an abusive relationship which has now produced 3 'unplanned' children....there should not be a 4th 'unwanted/planned' pregnancy. So at a very climatic point in the conversation, mommy was getting pretty passionate with the expression of her thoughts and proceeds to say: "now I'mma tell you (you know it's gonna be good when it starts with 'I'mma tell you'...it's about to be Bible-worthy wisdom right here!) ain't no sense in doin what you doin and then being surprised with what chu get. We all grown now, you can't get some tame p!$*y from a wild pig......now that's just all to it!?!" *FLATLINE
So after I came to and then caught my breath from hysterical laughter....mommy was still there :) And of course she replied to my reaction the same as she always does: "What? What I say?" *Lips to the side* Now me being the analytical person that I am, immediately I have follow up questions. Why a pic ma? Ma, tame vs. wild 'pocketbook,' really?! That's how you gon shut this conversation down?!? But in that instant magically I realized that there was nothing more that needed to be said to truly sum up and understand the situation....so hey, what can you say! The true test for any one liner is to be able to do this so a 'chest bump' and a polite 'hat tip' to mom so she can keep 'em comin......
I will be reserving the "And Mama Used to Say..." segment for any and all of the unique one liners that I hear my mother (or anyone else for that matter) say that I have now retained and added to my regularly used vernacular!
So a whiiiile ago, I'm talking to mommy and we're speaking about those members of our family that had we had the option to choose them...probably wouldn't have made the cut! (don't act like you don't feel me on that one) Anyhoo, so somebody's locked up again, somebody don had another baby, other folk stealing from other disabled fam members...and the litany goes on and on. So we begin to speak about a couple of these situations that have been recurring situations with some of these folks and we're trying to understand how one keeps making the same decisions with the verbalized 'hopes' to gain a different result. If you are in an abusive relationship which has now produced 3 'unplanned' children....there should not be a 4th 'unwanted/planned' pregnancy. So at a very climatic point in the conversation, mommy was getting pretty passionate with the expression of her thoughts and proceeds to say: "now I'mma tell you (you know it's gonna be good when it starts with 'I'mma tell you'...it's about to be Bible-worthy wisdom right here!) ain't no sense in doin what you doin and then being surprised with what chu get. We all grown now, you can't get some tame p!$*y from a wild pig......now that's just all to it!?!" *FLATLINE
So after I came to and then caught my breath from hysterical laughter....mommy was still there :) And of course she replied to my reaction the same as she always does: "What? What I say?" *Lips to the side* Now me being the analytical person that I am, immediately I have follow up questions. Why a pic ma? Ma, tame vs. wild 'pocketbook,' really?! That's how you gon shut this conversation down?!? But in that instant magically I realized that there was nothing more that needed to be said to truly sum up and understand the situation....so hey, what can you say! The true test for any one liner is to be able to do this so a 'chest bump' and a polite 'hat tip' to mom so she can keep 'em comin......
Raise Your Hand If....
Welcome to the "Raise Your Hand If...." segment of the blog! This segment will always feature bulleted thoughts to which I'm asking YOU to 'raise your hand if' you agree with what I'm saying. Every now & again....I like to do things niiice....and eeeeasy :) So think of this segment as my attempt to informally 'poll' the masses.
So why raising your hand, you may wonder? Well, to me, raising your hand is symbolic of the way in which you would raise your hand to subsequently slap a ho down cuz she's/he's clearly 'out of pocket!' OR One may raise his/her hand to slap a ho out of excitement or aggressive encouragement! *DISCLAIMER: if you have not clarified your intention to the ho you're slapping, it is quite possible to consider that bridge burned post-hand-to-face contact. So you decide why you're raising your hand while I provide the food for thought!
So without further or do, just a few things on my mind these days....so raise your hand if....
So why raising your hand, you may wonder? Well, to me, raising your hand is symbolic of the way in which you would raise your hand to subsequently slap a ho down cuz she's/he's clearly 'out of pocket!' OR One may raise his/her hand to slap a ho out of excitement or aggressive encouragement! *DISCLAIMER: if you have not clarified your intention to the ho you're slapping, it is quite possible to consider that bridge burned post-hand-to-face contact. So you decide why you're raising your hand while I provide the food for thought!
So without further or do, just a few things on my mind these days....so raise your hand if....
- You just knew Fantasia was gon pop up preggers by ole boy! (ummhmm)
- You would LOVE to hang out with Tami from BB Wives...long as you on her good side, let's get it crack-a-lackin T Murdaaaaa! *cue Ja Rule circa '99-'01
- You believe that Lisa Raye is simply playing 'Lisa Raye' on Single Ladies *Kanye shrug*
- You want Suzie from BB Wives to get her finger outta her booty and at least LEASE a clue (she may not wanna keep it!)
- You can appreciate your own personal packet of oyster crackers with your cup o' soup vs. 2 regular saltines....#ohufancyhuh
- You wanna see Nicki Minaj & Lil Kim just freestyle battle it out and get it over with!
- You would like to see Sarah Palin compete in a Black History Month edition Jeopardy competition held at the Apollo Theatre on amateur night....and for whatever reason concealed weapons are permitted in the theatre that evening
HERE IT IIIIISSSS!
After much anticipation....contemplation....encouragement....and downright coersion......ya girl has started a blog! This site will be my consistent outlet of the random thoughts and/or REactions that fire off in my brain on a daily basis! Updating my Facebook status from time to time allowed me to share such material but in a very limited manner. I can't tell you how many times I had to delete and 'post' after finding out that my status exceeded the '458 character' limit! So to 458 characters I say SUCK IT! :) Mama's never been fond of limitations!
Lemme say right now that I apologize in advance for all laughter followed by an aggressive 'snort,' all coffee and/or juice spat out onto your computer monitor, all slight trickles of pee and/or flatulence that may escape due to sudden laughter, and all smudges to eye liner and/or mascara due to tearing up :).....not you, you may be thinking!?! Just keep checkin in on ya girl ;) "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair" and Random REactions will begin to frame for you the adventure that is my life! So what will I be talking about....*refer back to blog title....any and everything is fair game on this blog! As a single gal, I've gotta bring you some of my dating sagas cuz I couldn't make this shit up if I tried......as creative as I am!?! Pop culture is outta control on the daily so I gotta weigh in! Politics.....religion....humanity....education....hair....corn pads....wet ones, pistachio nuts.....who knows what I may be on on any given day! Also, my INFAMOUS reactions to various award shows, cable television specials, movies, and after school specials involving people of color will continue via this blog. And believe you-me.....you ain't seen/read nothin yet!!! I'll also be taking suggestions of topics that you may be curious as to how I feel about them.
I wanna thank everyone who has ever encouraged me to write a blog....or even a book for that matter :).....to become a stand up comedian....to be on 'mute' for the next 30 minutes....to 'fight myself'.....to 'stop trying to kill them with laughter'....to 'get the fuck outta here'....to 'start taping vids for youtube'....to keep cussin, to 'say it wit my chest'....and everything in between!!!! THANK YOU for that constant motivation (sit cho ass down Kelly) and acknowledgement that I am not the only one feeling this way as denoted by that sparkle in your eyes when you roll them at me ;) Kristin Gentry, Tracey McLeod, Charman Goodwin, Tanisha Jennings, Jazminia Griffith, Holly Smith, DaNet Henderson, Sarah Henderson, Vanessa Debrew, Morgan Dye, Pam Phayme, Natasha Dumerville, Kim Turner, Shavalyea Gilbert, Jetheda Hernandez, Johnelle Brown, LaQuesha Foster, Katrina Cheatham, Dana Broadnax, Tricia Ranel, Jamie Fleece, TeCarla Moore, Melita Mitchell, Chene Olgar, Kea Alexander, Tiffany Hill, Candace Doby, Nicole Sanders.....and sooooo many others who've shared in the fellowship of laughter with me on numerous occasions.....this blog is for US! 'Brooklyn, we did it!' -B.I.G.
Lemme say right now that I apologize in advance for all laughter followed by an aggressive 'snort,' all coffee and/or juice spat out onto your computer monitor, all slight trickles of pee and/or flatulence that may escape due to sudden laughter, and all smudges to eye liner and/or mascara due to tearing up :).....not you, you may be thinking!?! Just keep checkin in on ya girl ;) "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair" and Random REactions will begin to frame for you the adventure that is my life! So what will I be talking about....*refer back to blog title....any and everything is fair game on this blog! As a single gal, I've gotta bring you some of my dating sagas cuz I couldn't make this shit up if I tried......as creative as I am!?! Pop culture is outta control on the daily so I gotta weigh in! Politics.....religion....humanity....education....hair....corn pads....wet ones, pistachio nuts.....who knows what I may be on on any given day! Also, my INFAMOUS reactions to various award shows, cable television specials, movies, and after school specials involving people of color will continue via this blog. And believe you-me.....you ain't seen/read nothin yet!!! I'll also be taking suggestions of topics that you may be curious as to how I feel about them.
I wanna thank everyone who has ever encouraged me to write a blog....or even a book for that matter :).....to become a stand up comedian....to be on 'mute' for the next 30 minutes....to 'fight myself'.....to 'stop trying to kill them with laughter'....to 'get the fuck outta here'....to 'start taping vids for youtube'....to keep cussin, to 'say it wit my chest'....and everything in between!!!! THANK YOU for that constant motivation (sit cho ass down Kelly) and acknowledgement that I am not the only one feeling this way as denoted by that sparkle in your eyes when you roll them at me ;) Kristin Gentry, Tracey McLeod, Charman Goodwin, Tanisha Jennings, Jazminia Griffith, Holly Smith, DaNet Henderson, Sarah Henderson, Vanessa Debrew, Morgan Dye, Pam Phayme, Natasha Dumerville, Kim Turner, Shavalyea Gilbert, Jetheda Hernandez, Johnelle Brown, LaQuesha Foster, Katrina Cheatham, Dana Broadnax, Tricia Ranel, Jamie Fleece, TeCarla Moore, Melita Mitchell, Chene Olgar, Kea Alexander, Tiffany Hill, Candace Doby, Nicole Sanders.....and sooooo many others who've shared in the fellowship of laughter with me on numerous occasions.....this blog is for US! 'Brooklyn, we did it!' -B.I.G.
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