Over the years as I have gotten to know different people, those closest to me know that I am prone to gastrointestinal maylay (if you will). Sometimes there is a warning involved whereby I understand that there is a fixed amount of time on the proverbial clock during which I must locate the nearest facility. Other times maylay will ensue cloaked by the element of surprise. Since consistently changing my eating habits back in '09, I must say that I have not continued to regularly compete in this "Olympics of My Colon" wherein the only event is to keep from 'sharting' in any public venue and/or space not designated to support such a release. Yet still there are some instances that create an instant Snickers bar commercial in that....you just wanna get away....or in this case, get to the bathroom!?!
Have you ever been riding down the interstate and just as you approach your exit you notice a lil back up in traffic? "Oh well, I'm not in a rush. At least I'm almost at my exit!" So you sit there for a few moments with the ability to "kiss" the bumper of the car infront of you with your bumper....maybe find some tunes on the radio to distract you...or maybe even make a call and start a conversation with a friend. Then outta nowhere you feel a 'SHIFT' inside of you that you know is only denoting one outcome. And suddenly that exit that you were happy to be so close to despite the traffic seems miles away. Your level of discomfort increases as you have now risen up in the driver's seat like an agitated cobra while clenching your butt cheeks together. All the while, you begin to feel small air bubbles traveling "back up" which you know is only going to make for a more 'musical' exit of what's 'knocking at the door!' So by this time you've got to cut the music down because now you have to become one with your thoughts and 'will' yourself safely to your destination. At this time also, you may begin to whisper outloud to the merging lane, the exit lane itself, and stoplights that you approach. So now in your role as the "Traffic Whisperer" it is your main priority to simply clear your path as quickly and safely as you are able to better enable you to get to a facility.
Now you've pulled up to your house FINALLY and are all set to make that 'mad dash' into the house but you're scared to 'unclench' your cheeks because the power of what's been building up in the car just might've turned into an involuntary action once you stand and walk. So you take a deep breath in (cuz breathing normally is just like saying 'okay, the coast is clear!' :) You fumble with your keys (careful not to drop them because the posture of bending down to pick them up would surely send s*%$ flying outta your ass like a bullet from a gun!) Now you're in the house and all you can do is drop all that you may have in your hands on the floor and begin to run while stripping of all clothing. Why you must get naked to handle this situation is beyond me...but I didn't make the rules! So as you sit on your 'thrown' butt naked and finally able to resume your normal breathing pattern you begin to reflect on the rollercoaster of emotion that has just ended...realizing that if you had to describe the Top 5 worst feelings in the world: having to GO when you're stuck in traffic could sho nuff secure a spot!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
DAMN....Why they wanna stick me for my paper!?!
Being fairly young into my career I must say that one of the things that I've enjoyed the most about having steady employment has been having the ability to give money to my parents should they need a lil extra help from time to time. I can still remember the first time I was able to do so and how good I felt about myself not only having the means to do it, but WANTING to do it...cuz that's two different things! Nowadays, both of my folks are retired and pretty much living on a fixed income so when I can spare a few coins....to the mailbox I go!
So I'm riding in the car and my phone rings...it's Dad :)
DAD: "Hey baby, listen.....we just got the card that I think you sent to your mama cuz the envelope was tore up somethin terrible! It looks like the post office placed the card in a US Postal Service envelope instead. But I was reading the card and I think you might've put some money in it...did you send some money in this card?"
ME: "Yeah, I did...I think it may have been $25."
DAD: "Yeah baby, they got us! I just told ya mama you probably sent her some money."
{Hands the phone to mommy}
MOM: "Re, thank you for the thought baby. But you see how folk do...I oughtta go up there right now and raise hell.... just because!"
ME: I know ma, that's a shame. We're working class folks just tryin to stretch out our lil coins...Oh well, I'll just have to send you more when I can.
MOM: "And since there's no way for me to know exactly WHO took my money, I'm just angry at the whole postal service. Make you wanna just go over there and s#!* on the sidewalk don't it!?! *PAUSE*
"The Good Word": Whenever you find yourself in a situation that leaves you unable to verbally express the exact level of pisstivity at which you have just arrived, understand that simply relieving yourself (#1 or #2....with an emphasis on #2) within eyesight of who or what has just pissed you off is OBVIOUSLY the next best choice to get your point across!
So I'm riding in the car and my phone rings...it's Dad :)
DAD: "Hey baby, listen.....we just got the card that I think you sent to your mama cuz the envelope was tore up somethin terrible! It looks like the post office placed the card in a US Postal Service envelope instead. But I was reading the card and I think you might've put some money in it...did you send some money in this card?"
ME: "Yeah, I did...I think it may have been $25."
DAD: "Yeah baby, they got us! I just told ya mama you probably sent her some money."
{Hands the phone to mommy}
MOM: "Re, thank you for the thought baby. But you see how folk do...I oughtta go up there right now and raise hell.... just because!"
ME: I know ma, that's a shame. We're working class folks just tryin to stretch out our lil coins...Oh well, I'll just have to send you more when I can.
MOM: "And since there's no way for me to know exactly WHO took my money, I'm just angry at the whole postal service. Make you wanna just go over there and s#!* on the sidewalk don't it!?! *PAUSE*
"The Good Word": Whenever you find yourself in a situation that leaves you unable to verbally express the exact level of pisstivity at which you have just arrived, understand that simply relieving yourself (#1 or #2....with an emphasis on #2) within eyesight of who or what has just pissed you off is OBVIOUSLY the next best choice to get your point across!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
And Mama Used to Say....
For those of you who do not know, I am EXTREMELY close to both of my parents. While I've always been a daddy's girl, as I've matured and gotten older over the years....I realized that I an truly a carbon copy of my mother and for that reason, she and I understand each other on a level that is very special. For those of you who have had the pleasure of meeting my mom, you then get the full understanding that I'm simply 'chip' and she's definitely the ole 'block' all day!?! One of my favorite reasons to sit down and talk to my mother is because she always has a one liner that will sum up an entire conversation in such way that while you are entertained, you no longer feel the need to continue having the conversation. And what never ceases to amaze me is how still to this day at almost 31 years of age, she's still hitting me with new ones! I'm like, "mom, did you just make that up?" And she swears that she's only repeating what she heard her mother or grandmother say at some point in her life. So there you have it people, foolishness is in my lineage :)
I will be reserving the "And Mama Used to Say..." segment for any and all of the unique one liners that I hear my mother (or anyone else for that matter) say that I have now retained and added to my regularly used vernacular!
So a whiiiile ago, I'm talking to mommy and we're speaking about those members of our family that had we had the option to choose them...probably wouldn't have made the cut! (don't act like you don't feel me on that one) Anyhoo, so somebody's locked up again, somebody don had another baby, other folk stealing from other disabled fam members...and the litany goes on and on. So we begin to speak about a couple of these situations that have been recurring situations with some of these folks and we're trying to understand how one keeps making the same decisions with the verbalized 'hopes' to gain a different result. If you are in an abusive relationship which has now produced 3 'unplanned' children....there should not be a 4th 'unwanted/planned' pregnancy. So at a very climatic point in the conversation, mommy was getting pretty passionate with the expression of her thoughts and proceeds to say: "now I'mma tell you (you know it's gonna be good when it starts with 'I'mma tell you'...it's about to be Bible-worthy wisdom right here!) ain't no sense in doin what you doin and then being surprised with what chu get. We all grown now, you can't get some tame p!$*y from a wild pig......now that's just all to it!?!" *FLATLINE
So after I came to and then caught my breath from hysterical laughter....mommy was still there :) And of course she replied to my reaction the same as she always does: "What? What I say?" *Lips to the side* Now me being the analytical person that I am, immediately I have follow up questions. Why a pic ma? Ma, tame vs. wild 'pocketbook,' really?! That's how you gon shut this conversation down?!? But in that instant magically I realized that there was nothing more that needed to be said to truly sum up and understand the situation....so hey, what can you say! The true test for any one liner is to be able to do this so a 'chest bump' and a polite 'hat tip' to mom so she can keep 'em comin......
I will be reserving the "And Mama Used to Say..." segment for any and all of the unique one liners that I hear my mother (or anyone else for that matter) say that I have now retained and added to my regularly used vernacular!
So a whiiiile ago, I'm talking to mommy and we're speaking about those members of our family that had we had the option to choose them...probably wouldn't have made the cut! (don't act like you don't feel me on that one) Anyhoo, so somebody's locked up again, somebody don had another baby, other folk stealing from other disabled fam members...and the litany goes on and on. So we begin to speak about a couple of these situations that have been recurring situations with some of these folks and we're trying to understand how one keeps making the same decisions with the verbalized 'hopes' to gain a different result. If you are in an abusive relationship which has now produced 3 'unplanned' children....there should not be a 4th 'unwanted/planned' pregnancy. So at a very climatic point in the conversation, mommy was getting pretty passionate with the expression of her thoughts and proceeds to say: "now I'mma tell you (you know it's gonna be good when it starts with 'I'mma tell you'...it's about to be Bible-worthy wisdom right here!) ain't no sense in doin what you doin and then being surprised with what chu get. We all grown now, you can't get some tame p!$*y from a wild pig......now that's just all to it!?!" *FLATLINE
So after I came to and then caught my breath from hysterical laughter....mommy was still there :) And of course she replied to my reaction the same as she always does: "What? What I say?" *Lips to the side* Now me being the analytical person that I am, immediately I have follow up questions. Why a pic ma? Ma, tame vs. wild 'pocketbook,' really?! That's how you gon shut this conversation down?!? But in that instant magically I realized that there was nothing more that needed to be said to truly sum up and understand the situation....so hey, what can you say! The true test for any one liner is to be able to do this so a 'chest bump' and a polite 'hat tip' to mom so she can keep 'em comin......
Raise Your Hand If....
Welcome to the "Raise Your Hand If...." segment of the blog! This segment will always feature bulleted thoughts to which I'm asking YOU to 'raise your hand if' you agree with what I'm saying. Every now & again....I like to do things niiice....and eeeeasy :) So think of this segment as my attempt to informally 'poll' the masses.
So why raising your hand, you may wonder? Well, to me, raising your hand is symbolic of the way in which you would raise your hand to subsequently slap a ho down cuz she's/he's clearly 'out of pocket!' OR One may raise his/her hand to slap a ho out of excitement or aggressive encouragement! *DISCLAIMER: if you have not clarified your intention to the ho you're slapping, it is quite possible to consider that bridge burned post-hand-to-face contact. So you decide why you're raising your hand while I provide the food for thought!
So without further or do, just a few things on my mind these days....so raise your hand if....
So why raising your hand, you may wonder? Well, to me, raising your hand is symbolic of the way in which you would raise your hand to subsequently slap a ho down cuz she's/he's clearly 'out of pocket!' OR One may raise his/her hand to slap a ho out of excitement or aggressive encouragement! *DISCLAIMER: if you have not clarified your intention to the ho you're slapping, it is quite possible to consider that bridge burned post-hand-to-face contact. So you decide why you're raising your hand while I provide the food for thought!
So without further or do, just a few things on my mind these days....so raise your hand if....
- You just knew Fantasia was gon pop up preggers by ole boy! (ummhmm)
- You would LOVE to hang out with Tami from BB Wives...long as you on her good side, let's get it crack-a-lackin T Murdaaaaa! *cue Ja Rule circa '99-'01
- You believe that Lisa Raye is simply playing 'Lisa Raye' on Single Ladies *Kanye shrug*
- You want Suzie from BB Wives to get her finger outta her booty and at least LEASE a clue (she may not wanna keep it!)
- You can appreciate your own personal packet of oyster crackers with your cup o' soup vs. 2 regular saltines....#ohufancyhuh
- You wanna see Nicki Minaj & Lil Kim just freestyle battle it out and get it over with!
- You would like to see Sarah Palin compete in a Black History Month edition Jeopardy competition held at the Apollo Theatre on amateur night....and for whatever reason concealed weapons are permitted in the theatre that evening
HERE IT IIIIISSSS!
After much anticipation....contemplation....encouragement....and downright coersion......ya girl has started a blog! This site will be my consistent outlet of the random thoughts and/or REactions that fire off in my brain on a daily basis! Updating my Facebook status from time to time allowed me to share such material but in a very limited manner. I can't tell you how many times I had to delete and 'post' after finding out that my status exceeded the '458 character' limit! So to 458 characters I say SUCK IT! :) Mama's never been fond of limitations!
Lemme say right now that I apologize in advance for all laughter followed by an aggressive 'snort,' all coffee and/or juice spat out onto your computer monitor, all slight trickles of pee and/or flatulence that may escape due to sudden laughter, and all smudges to eye liner and/or mascara due to tearing up :).....not you, you may be thinking!?! Just keep checkin in on ya girl ;) "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair" and Random REactions will begin to frame for you the adventure that is my life! So what will I be talking about....*refer back to blog title....any and everything is fair game on this blog! As a single gal, I've gotta bring you some of my dating sagas cuz I couldn't make this shit up if I tried......as creative as I am!?! Pop culture is outta control on the daily so I gotta weigh in! Politics.....religion....humanity....education....hair....corn pads....wet ones, pistachio nuts.....who knows what I may be on on any given day! Also, my INFAMOUS reactions to various award shows, cable television specials, movies, and after school specials involving people of color will continue via this blog. And believe you-me.....you ain't seen/read nothin yet!!! I'll also be taking suggestions of topics that you may be curious as to how I feel about them.
I wanna thank everyone who has ever encouraged me to write a blog....or even a book for that matter :).....to become a stand up comedian....to be on 'mute' for the next 30 minutes....to 'fight myself'.....to 'stop trying to kill them with laughter'....to 'get the fuck outta here'....to 'start taping vids for youtube'....to keep cussin, to 'say it wit my chest'....and everything in between!!!! THANK YOU for that constant motivation (sit cho ass down Kelly) and acknowledgement that I am not the only one feeling this way as denoted by that sparkle in your eyes when you roll them at me ;) Kristin Gentry, Tracey McLeod, Charman Goodwin, Tanisha Jennings, Jazminia Griffith, Holly Smith, DaNet Henderson, Sarah Henderson, Vanessa Debrew, Morgan Dye, Pam Phayme, Natasha Dumerville, Kim Turner, Shavalyea Gilbert, Jetheda Hernandez, Johnelle Brown, LaQuesha Foster, Katrina Cheatham, Dana Broadnax, Tricia Ranel, Jamie Fleece, TeCarla Moore, Melita Mitchell, Chene Olgar, Kea Alexander, Tiffany Hill, Candace Doby, Nicole Sanders.....and sooooo many others who've shared in the fellowship of laughter with me on numerous occasions.....this blog is for US! 'Brooklyn, we did it!' -B.I.G.
Lemme say right now that I apologize in advance for all laughter followed by an aggressive 'snort,' all coffee and/or juice spat out onto your computer monitor, all slight trickles of pee and/or flatulence that may escape due to sudden laughter, and all smudges to eye liner and/or mascara due to tearing up :).....not you, you may be thinking!?! Just keep checkin in on ya girl ;) "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair" and Random REactions will begin to frame for you the adventure that is my life! So what will I be talking about....*refer back to blog title....any and everything is fair game on this blog! As a single gal, I've gotta bring you some of my dating sagas cuz I couldn't make this shit up if I tried......as creative as I am!?! Pop culture is outta control on the daily so I gotta weigh in! Politics.....religion....humanity....education....hair....corn pads....wet ones, pistachio nuts.....who knows what I may be on on any given day! Also, my INFAMOUS reactions to various award shows, cable television specials, movies, and after school specials involving people of color will continue via this blog. And believe you-me.....you ain't seen/read nothin yet!!! I'll also be taking suggestions of topics that you may be curious as to how I feel about them.
I wanna thank everyone who has ever encouraged me to write a blog....or even a book for that matter :).....to become a stand up comedian....to be on 'mute' for the next 30 minutes....to 'fight myself'.....to 'stop trying to kill them with laughter'....to 'get the fuck outta here'....to 'start taping vids for youtube'....to keep cussin, to 'say it wit my chest'....and everything in between!!!! THANK YOU for that constant motivation (sit cho ass down Kelly) and acknowledgement that I am not the only one feeling this way as denoted by that sparkle in your eyes when you roll them at me ;) Kristin Gentry, Tracey McLeod, Charman Goodwin, Tanisha Jennings, Jazminia Griffith, Holly Smith, DaNet Henderson, Sarah Henderson, Vanessa Debrew, Morgan Dye, Pam Phayme, Natasha Dumerville, Kim Turner, Shavalyea Gilbert, Jetheda Hernandez, Johnelle Brown, LaQuesha Foster, Katrina Cheatham, Dana Broadnax, Tricia Ranel, Jamie Fleece, TeCarla Moore, Melita Mitchell, Chene Olgar, Kea Alexander, Tiffany Hill, Candace Doby, Nicole Sanders.....and sooooo many others who've shared in the fellowship of laughter with me on numerous occasions.....this blog is for US! 'Brooklyn, we did it!' -B.I.G.
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