WANNA GET AWAY?

Over the years as I have gotten to know different people, those closest to me know that I am prone to gastrointestinal maylay (if you will). Sometimes there is a warning involved whereby I understand that there is a fixed amount of time on the proverbial clock during which I must locate the nearest facility. Other times maylay will ensue cloaked by the element of surprise. Since consistently changing my eating habits back in '09, I must say that I have not continued to regularly compete in this "Olympics of My Colon" wherein the only event is to keep from 'sharting' in any public venue and/or space not designated to support such a release. Yet still there are some instances that create an instant Snickers bar commercial in that....you just wanna get away....or in this case, get to the bathroom!?!

Have you ever been riding down the interstate and just as you approach your exit you notice a lil back up in traffic? "Oh well, I'm not in a rush. At least I'm almost at my exit!" So you sit there for a few moments with the ability to "kiss" the bumper of the car infront of you with your bumper....maybe find some tunes on the radio to distract you...or maybe even make a call and start a conversation with a friend. Then outta nowhere you feel a 'SHIFT' inside of you that you know is only denoting one outcome. And suddenly that exit that you were happy to be so close to despite the traffic seems miles away. Your level of discomfort increases as you have now risen up in the driver's seat like an agitated cobra while clenching your butt cheeks together. All the while, you begin to feel small air bubbles traveling "back up" which you know is only going to make for a more 'musical' exit of what's 'knocking at the door!' So by this time you've got to cut the music down because now you have to become one with your thoughts and 'will' yourself safely to your destination. At this time also, you may begin to whisper outloud to the merging lane, the exit lane itself, and stoplights that you approach. So now in your role as the "Traffic Whisperer" it is your main priority to simply clear your path as quickly and safely as you are able to better enable you to get to a facility.

Now you've pulled up to your house FINALLY and are all set to make that 'mad dash' into the house but you're scared to 'unclench' your cheeks because the power of what's been building up in the car just might've turned into an involuntary action once you stand and walk. So you take a deep breath in (cuz breathing normally is just like saying 'okay, the coast is clear!' :) You fumble with your keys (careful not to drop them because the posture of bending down to pick them up would surely send s*%$ flying outta your ass like a bullet from a gun!) Now you're in the house and all you can do is drop all that you may have in your hands on the floor and begin to run while stripping of all clothing. Why you must get naked to handle this situation is beyond me...but I didn't make the rules! So as you sit on your 'thrown' butt naked and finally able to resume your normal breathing pattern you begin to reflect on the rollercoaster of emotion that has just ended...realizing that if you had to describe the Top 5 worst feelings in the world: having to GO when you're stuck in traffic could sho nuff secure a spot!