They Smile In Yo Face....

I wanna speak on a situation that I had the displeasure of witnessing last Saturday night. The situation that presented itself to my presence was one that you often hear about and may even suspect that you are seeing but may never be able to prove. This time, I had proof....there was no doubt about it....and all I could do was shake my head.

The bond amongst girlfriends should be a tight one. A 'girl lemme check you with a quick cuss down then say I love you' kinda bond. A 'tell your mama I said hello' kinda bond. An 'if we need to ride out, you know I got you' kinda bond. But that's just my opinion. I've been fortunate and blessed to have crossed paths with some of the most amazing, beautiful, giving, intelligent, thoughtful, witty, sassy, and down right 'ride or die' women over the course of my life. More importantly these women saw fit to grace me with the title of 'friend' and I in return did the same. Not the friend title that comes with a user's manual and expiration date, but the friend title that allows you both to learn and teach as you go and just enjoy the journey together for as long as whenever. We. Us. Ours. Together. So I know how it feels to love someone as your very own sister even though different blood may flow through your veins.

I'm sitting in PF Changs on a Saturday night playing 'hostess with the mostess' to some family members who were visiting me for the weekend. The restaurant was jumpin as we first sat down to let our 30 minute wait time commence. As one sits waiting to be seated in a restaurant, you have the opportunity to see a multitude of folks with the same idea you had about places to dine come and go. We had been sitting there for a good 15 minutes when two young ladies entered the restaurant. It looked like a typical 'ladies night out' situation wherein they would eat first and then proceed to a lounge or club type venue (as also alluded to by their outfit choices for the evening). Once they place their names on the waiting list to be seated and then take a seat to wait, another young lady awkwardly and and seemingly discombobulated enters the restaurant and appears to join them. Now this young lady had to be upward of 300 lbs and had managed to 'stuff' herself into some jeggings and a tank top. #PAUSE As she plops down, clearly out of breath and with sweat beads formed across her brow like morning dew....I then get a look at the coup de gras of her outfit for the evening....the shoes! This sista had stuffed (and I do mean stuffed) her feet into a pair of peep toe stilletos which during the walk from the car now made her feet and ankles look like a tube of busted Grands biscuits. Every woman who has put on a pair of stilletos or just regular high heels for that matter knows all of the tricks to use once you actually take your weight off of your feet by having a seat. There's the "heel rock back," wiggling or popping your toes to redistribute the blood flow, a few ankle rolls, etc. But this chick pulled a new one on me.....she actually laid her foot over to the side (like you would try to place the inside of your ankle on the ground). That one dramatic gesture was the equivalent to if she had just yelled out 'FUCK!' after sitting down.

At first I was tickled...but then as I looked at the three of them interact, I became a bit angry at her girlfriends for multiple reasons: A. Allowing her to even purchase some jeggings let alone putting them on at her size....not that a plus-sized woman cannot dress 'en vogue' but unflattering is unflattering all day & night! B. Not even walking in the place with her....as though you weren't with her! I gave them the benny of the doubt on this one since it was crowded. That could've been an innocent 'girl run in and get our name on the list' type move. C. ALLOWING HER TO TORTURE HERSELF WITH THOSE STILETTOS! The fact that she balanced her 'frame' on those stilletos was a feat in and of itself! But if you could've seen her face....she was clearly just struggling to exist in that get up! D. Then you gon start to talk about how to do "The Wobble" and all the fun you are "about to have" later that night.....BITCH, your girl just did the wobble to get up in this restaurant and you know damn well that's the only 'wobblin' she's gone do tonight!?! Stop frontin! It couldn't be more clearer to me that big girl was destined to be on 'purse duty' later that evening.

Fast forward to after dinner and now my fam and I are leaving. As we get into the car and are about to pull off, who is now exiting the building??? Yes, the black Wilson-Phillips. Tell me why the two smaller chicks, again, walking together out of the restaurant get into the passenger seats of this car. And maybe about 10 steps behind them their much larger 'friend' who at this point has officially said "fuck it" by simply carrying her stilletos in her hand and exiting the restaurant barefoot! #PAUSE So these broads have allowed you to set yourself up with this inappropriate outfit, they also seem to come and go without a care as to whether or not you can keep up, AND they're sitting on the passenger side of your ride!?! Lady, you need to run as fast as you can from these leeches! And took off like a bat outta hell too! I was actually impressed by the 'gusto' of that Altima inspite of the circumstances. Cuz that was a lot 'o ass! *Chest bump to the makers of Nissan vehicles!

LADIES! LADIES! LADIES! The bonds between us can be beautiful....but they can also be some of the most toxic of human relationships. I want girlfriends who won't let me wear shoes that make my toes swell up like vienna sausages yet still act like I'm about to dance at a club. I want girlfriends who walk with me when we're all together. I want girlfriends who would be saddened at the thought of me sweating and being out of breath after walking from my car to any establishment's doorway. I want girlfriends who are actually my FRIEND!  BEWARE ladies....all smiles ain't happy and sometimes 'Spring Cleaning' needs to take place year-round.

#shotsfired!

So I'm on my way into work this morning. Headed down 85 S in my usual manner. Having a pretty good morning...even managed to eat breakfast which consisted of OJ and a turkey sausage biscuit! The morning commute is usually not too eventful which is a good thing because an 'event' would usually consist of an accident of some sort which would then back up traffic and subsequently have me on the highway with my brow wrinkled. So I'm riding along in the far left lane when this man passes me on the oldest motorcyle I think I've ever seen. I'm talking pre-CHIPs, pre-Police Academy 1-6, and damn sure pre-Fast & The Furious. For this reason one of my girlfriends said it was a 'motorbike' and not quite what we would call a 'motorcycle' here in 2011. It's an older black man clearly pushing this contraption to it's max and his look on the bike with his circa 1976 helmet was just as intense as the overall situation. I think I even caught a glimpse of a number on the bike....as though it was a racing bike of some sort at one time. #PAUSE So he passes me and after I chuckle a bit to myself about the visual of it all, I'm now simply driving along listening to a lil Mary J. to get my mind right for the work day.

All of a sudden I hear: POW! POW!....POW! My first immediate reflex was to begin to duck a bit as I try not to steer my car into the cement barrier on my left. Are those gun shots!?! And they sound close! Am I caught in the middle of a gang war right here on the highway? Who the hell has a beef so tough at 8:00 in the morning that you just go to shootin on a highway? I mean it's hard to mess up breakfast food, but an overcooked egg does make me a lil aggressive...but I digress. Again, POW! POW! So I'm looking around in all of my mirrors to see if I can spot anyone driving eratically behind me or if I see anything out of the ordinary. Nothing. By this time, the music is off and my awareness level is on ORANGE/RED as TSA would say! Then it dawns on me as I approach this "Roaring 20's" motorbike....this mothafucka is back-firing! Here I am feeling like Cain at the end of Menace II Society and these 'shots' are simply back-firings from this old ass rigged up motorbike! I immediately become tickled as I eventually pass the man because his facial expression under that medieval viking helmet never changes as though he didn't hear his bike 'shooting' at everyone on 85 this morning!

The Good Word: Yes, we are a resourceful people and can 'rig' & 'finagle' unlike any others. But sometimes enough is enough. Him continuing to ride that 'aggressive' motorbike was the equivalent of tacking a milk crate to a backboard without a hoop. We've got to recognize boundaries people. I hope there's no malfunctions with the gas shaft sir. With all that 'open fire' shit could get real fucked up....real quick for you in July....in the south!

Bus Trip Etiquette 101

As we enter into this last leg of summer 2011, it seems like there just aren't enough hours in a day or days in a week to get in all of the summer fun & frolic that you can while it's still the recognized 'vacay season.' Post mid-August, supervisors seem to start giving you the side eye when you submit leave request forms...as we are out of the official season o' vacays ma'am. Then you begin to come up with some 'randomly strategic' bouts with various illnesses to tap into that 'sick leave'...but I digress! Another very important factor as you plan to indulge in summer activities is keeping an eye on that 'Bank o' YOU.' How can I still take a vacay or a staycay and keep it reasonably cost-effective? Well when I asked myself that question earlier this summer, my answer came in the form of a convenient service called the Megabus.

Now for those of you who are from the Northeast, you may be familiar with a number of bus services that 'shuttle' folks to popular destination sites at almost unbelievably low prices. Well as a southern gal, this concept was fairly new to me yet gave me new optimism to plan various trips this summer! I just completed my second successful Megabus trip and I wanted to weigh in on a few bus trip etiquette 'faux pas' that I have witnessed and/or experienced as a passenger. It's amazing what one is exposed to just as a result of taking any form of public transportation. I'm not a fan of public transportation as my daily means of mobility, but with the price of gas continuing to make my left eye well up with each fill up.....I decided that something's got to give!

BUS TRIP ETIQUETTE FAUX PAS

1. Bus Attendants: Your job is to tend to the passengers. Megabus always provides 2 drivers for each trip to help combat against extreme levels of fatigue for one person. AWESOME! So, as passengers board the bus to begin a trip, 1 should be checking tix while the other assists passengers with placing their bags under the bus. Sir, I understand that you just had to get a few more puffs off of that Newport before starting this bus trip, however, I think I just ruptured, sprained, and dislocated my 106th &107th vertebrae trying to simultaneously bend, lift, and move this piece of luggage onto the bottom of this bus. Please & Thank you in advance. Sidenote: It also pisses me off that you watch me struggle & still don't feel moved to help. *Cue Miss Celie's 2 fingered point..."eeerythang you dun done to me...I already dun done to you."
2. Bus snacks should be just that.....SNACKS! Anything that requires a utensil to consume, anything that is so fragrant it would 'light up' the entire bus as soon as you open the container, anything that you wouldn't want to eat in the car while driving is not an appropriate bus snack. Examples include, but are not limited to: brunswick stew, beef stroganoff, spaghetti, boiled eggs, boiled onions w/ garlic on the side.....you get my drift!
3. Only cuddle and/or lay on the shoulder of those you know. There is nothing worse than waking up with a stranger ever so gently breathing on your neck and clutching your arm as if you are a 'seeing eye' guide. No MF ma'am or sir!
4. Talking on cell phones should be kept to a minimum. The whole bus does not care to know your own personal thoughts about the 'riding on the bus' experience.  Please wait until Gwen & Erma pick you up to let them know how pleased you are with the trip and more importantly the price of the tix.
5. Bring a jacket/blanket/something to wear because the bus may get chilly. Part of the reason bus drivers keep the air pumping is so that they will stay awake and you will then 'arrive alive.' It's just like the movie theatre...it should be understood that you may need a wrap to maintain a decent body temp...otherwise, prepare for your nipples to be as hard as AP Math in China under that lone tank top!
6. If you are sitting in a seat with a stranger and a seat opens up-MOVE! Unless we are traveling together, there's no loyalty with regard to seat occupancy. I can't feel either of my baby toes cuz I'm trying to maintain a respectable stature in my seat beside you....and you ain't tryin to move! No MF ma'am or sir!
7. Once we stop after an extended driving time & you have been to sleep....your breath now stinks! Just because you are not sleep in your bed at the house does not mean that your mouth will not smell bad after dozing off for an hour or so on a bus. Unless 'mesquite open ass' is the flavor on your box of tic tacs with that smell being the goal once consumed...point your eyes at me to let me know you're talking to me but cover your mouth to acknowledge the 'situation' at hand.

NEEEEEEXT!

Picture it: Saturday afternoon, approximately 93 degrees outside, the sun shining and freely giving of her abundance of vitamin D...and your girl has a date! More like a first "meet & greet" (cuz I'm doing the online dating thing) but a set date, time, and location = a date :)

Now let's back up to last Wednesday. On this day, I was invited to lunch by this brotha that I've been conversing off & on with for a little while now. Our schedules hadn't yielded an opportunity for us to meet until now, so it was finally time to put a face with this name and voice. So far convo was cool, from his 'profile pic' he seemed like a handsome guy and quite mature and well spoken to be only 25.  *I refuse to claim "Cougar" status...but perhaps a lil Panther-ish ;) Anyhoo, the following synopsis of Saturday afternoon's unfolding of events is sure to vividly illustrate for you why I chose the title of this particular entry! Enjoy cuz I was ticked in my spirit at multiple times during this adventure! A single gal has got to keep a sense of humor these days :)

Saturday Afternoon & I'm Feeling Good.....
12:00pm: Showering up and applying the most delicate balance of fragrance as to not warrant a bee/wasp chase...yet will surely turn a head or two!

12:45pm: I attempted to call and 'check in' to make sure we were still 'on' for a 1:00 lunch (no answer)

12:57pm: Now I'm in the car and en route to the restaurant that he chose (cuz if I plan too much...apparently it's not 'letting a man be a man'...so ya girl's on autopilot these days!) and I call once more to say that I won't be there exactly at 1:00 but I'm on my way...this time, he answers and let's me know that he hasn't even left the house yet. ME: Really, is everything okay? HIM: Oh yea, I was just chillin here wit my boy who was supposed to be working on my car. ME: *crickets.....okay, well I should be there a lil after 1. HIM: Okay, I'll see you there...now, I'm not looking my best, I was just hoping to meet you, chill, and talk ME: *crickets...okay, so see u in a few.

1:13pm: I have now arrived at this restaurant which is the equivalent to "Mel's Diner" complete with a lunch counter that I'm sure blacks were not always permitted to sit at. STRIKE #1! I'm immediately tickled and waiting for Ashton Kutcher & crew to pull up with release papers...cuz surely I'm being Punk'd! I call once again to let him know that I'm at the place. HIM: Oh okay, I'm on my way. ME: So you haven't left your house yet? HIM: I'm walking out the door now. ME: I mean, if there's too much going on today, we can do this another time. HIM: Well, I'm hungry, so I'm gonna eat regardless. ME: *crickets.....yep, so if you can't get here by 1:30, don't even worry about it.

1:26pm: As I'm sitting in the parking lot, a man walked infront of my vehicle...I'm looking at him & he's looking at me but I'm not sure if it's him because he did not look like his profile pic. *Mind you, this is the first time that this has happened to me where someone used one of their high school senior portraits as their profile pic and then they show up and all I can do is cock my head to the side in wonder like a german shephard. So then this dude beckons to me as if to say, 'c'mon in' and that's how I realized that this was indeed him. :( STRIKE #2!

When I stepped into "Mom & Pop's Place" I was immediately transported to the set of "In the Heat of the Night" (movie or tv show...you choose) and I was looking for Mr. Tibbs to come out to take our order! This dude is quite sloppy and is wearing this hat that only Columbo or a man who is eligible to collect AARP bennies should even try on. Sir, are you sure you're only 25?  Everything inside of me wanted to just run back to my ride and speed away to call anyone who would pick up and start my story by simply exclaiming: "FML"...but I digress. The waitress comes over to take our drink orders...I order a pink lemonade and this dude orders a cup of coffee!?! Now, it's hot as balls in a leather jock strap on a hot plate outside and you're ordering coffee!?! And at closer look once I'm sitting directly across the table from dude, he does indeed like coffee as evident from his badly stained teeth :( When the waitress returns, he proceeds to order chicken fingers & fries and once his plate arrives, he then covers everything with hot sauce. Now I absolutely ADORE (as sang by Prince) Texas Pete Hot Sauce...so that's not my beef. However, what I am concerned about at this point is that you are consuming hot coffee, hot chicken & potatoes covered with hot sauce, you have not removed your hat which is clearly made of some type of wool/polyester blend, and it's July in the south.....sir, I'm becoming musty just sitting across from you watching all of this unfold!?! STRIKE #3-5!

As I'm simply trying to be a good person and respect this other human being that I'm sitting across from, I completely checked out once he began to share with me that the tone of my voice reminded him of one of his friends who just happens to be a lesbian. Now, the way he lets me know this is by saying: "yea, she's a lil...*insert hand gesture that I haven't seen in years to imply that someone may be gay*....cuz I don't want to say it." "I hope you're not offended...I'm not saying you're like her, I'm just saying you sound like her." First of all, DAWG, you a grown ass man and you can't verbalize the word gay without it being an ordeal!?! And further more, if simply the sound of my voice reminds you of your friend's voice, what does it mattter that she's a lesbian? Why did you feel the need to just throw that into the conversation...oh I'm sorry, 'act it out' in your little impromptu game of Taboo that I was unaware we were playing.  STRIKE INFINITY!

The Good Word: The location of 'first dates' matters...I love a good 'dive' with awesome food, but those are places you go with folks you're already comfortable with. I'm not interested in dating any 86 year olds trapped in  '25 year old' bodies. And he should definitely set that hat on fire and invest in some Crest white strips!?!

About face?

Up until this point I have been a self-proclaimed lover of 'all things spa.' Well, maybe not all things....I had my first professional facial today and I must say I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would! While my aesthetician was very pleasant and warm...as she commenced to apply product to my face...my experience went down hill from there. First of all, I told her this was my first facial...translation: it would be nice if you walk me through each step of this process so that I'll know what's coming. Well, she didn't hear the translation and the next thing I know she's goin in on my cheeks and chin! Now, I'm laid back on a table and she's sitting at my head. While common sense told me to close my eyes and keep them closed while she's applying various products....I also expected her to go around my eyes and not necessarily rub over them just like they were my cheeks or my forehead. Well, I was WRONG! Because she's standing over me to begin cleaning my face and she's rubbing the cleanser and then exfoliant into my face in an upward motion so now I'm feeling the products slowly creep into my eye and then of course, begin to burn. I'm trying my hardest to keep my eyes closed tightly, but because of how she's rubbing everything in, it's starting to irritate my eyes. So I let her know and then she attempts to wipe my eyes out. Then I'm like, no ma'am...give me a damp towel so that I can regain my sight because right now you're exfoliating my pupils. Then she goes, "you gotta remember to keep your eyes closed while I'm applying products!" Perhaps ma'am if you would stop rubbing my face as though it were my shoulders that simple gesture would indeed keep all products out of my eyes!?! Jerk!?! STRIKE #1!

Now on to the steam treatment. Now, I've done a modified treatment similar to this at home, so I'm kinda looking forward to this part. So she puts these pads over my eyes and then turns on the steamer. This time she told me what she was about to do...praise God! So I'm laying there and at first I felt very relaxed  and enjoyed the steam encouraging my face to form tiny beads of sweat that began to trickle down my neck. Then with the steam blowing directly into my face, I guess my airways began to dry out because then I got to sneezing and coughing trying to 'lube up' my airways again. Also at this time, she has promptly left the room. So then I begin to roll my head back and forth out of direct line from the steam to breathe some 'normal' air from time to time. It kinda felt like when you open the oven with glasses on and it makes them fog up....but a constant state of that....STRIKE #2!

She returns after about 7-10 minutes and then applies a mask to my face. This smelled really good and was kinda tingly so I'm thinking things are looking up! Then she's like, "now I'm going to blow some oxygen on your face"....I'm thinking to myself, so you bout to turn on a fan! :) *I tickled myself inside just a lil! At any rate, the 'oxygen' provided a nice cool breeze as I'm sitting there with the mask on. She leaves the room again for about 10 minutes. Upon her re-entering the room, she makes some small talk and then sits down at my head...the next thing I know I hear: clip! clip! clip! file! file! file! Am I hearing correctly? Yes, she is clipping and filing down her fingernails before continuing on with my service. Again, not a right or wrong situation per se...but a matter of appropriateness.....and you ma'am are so disrespecting my spa experience right now! STRIKE #3!

Moving forward, I think I'll stick with my manis, pedis, and massages and do my own facial work. I think I'll probably try a facial one more time just for comparison's sake, but for now...I'M GOOD!?!

Hooters & Maternity Leave

So I'm sitting in Hooters with some friends on Saturday night....and taking in all of the ambience. Now I don't know the last time I actually set foot inside of a Hooters but I do remember having great wings and a couple of good cocktails so....I'm game! All is going according to plan as we get a table, sit down, and start to look over the menus. The "Hooter Girls" are in full effect with their signature orange 'dukes' and white tank tops (both midriff baring and covered lengths). A couple were cute and well put together as you would expect...but overall the caliber of 'Hooter Girl' in this particular franchise was less than impressive. When all of a sudden....my girlfriend gives me the heads up to 'peep' the waitress that is presently standing directly behind me...but about to pass our table. And boy when she does.....it is clearly a 'party of 2' situation! Yes people, this 'Hooter Girl' was clearly about 6-8 months preggars! Now even though you could tell that she was a small framed woman pre-pregnancy which allowed her to continue to fit comfortably into her 'dukes' and a bit more uncomfortably into her significantly stretched out baby tee.....the soccer ball infront of her body completely dominated her full-frontal visual.

So that brings me to my next train of thought...was it even appropriate for a woman that far along in her pregnancy to continue to report to work at Hooters? Now, I'm sure by law Hooters can't tell her that she can't come to work after a certain point. I also know that the recession is real so folks gotta keep the gigs they got. But, c'mon son!?! I guess I never thought about this situation until I actually witnessed it. I know 'Hooters Girls' aren't strippers, but I'm a parallel thinker so immediately I'm trying to think of other settings in which you'd promptly do your best Scooby Doo impression at the sight of a pregnant woman. Let's say 'Cinnamon' or 'Street Heat' just hit the stage and is clearly in her 3rd trimester.....what would be the first thing that goes through your mind? #imjustsayin