NEEEEEEXT!

Picture it: Saturday afternoon, approximately 93 degrees outside, the sun shining and freely giving of her abundance of vitamin D...and your girl has a date! More like a first "meet & greet" (cuz I'm doing the online dating thing) but a set date, time, and location = a date :)

Now let's back up to last Wednesday. On this day, I was invited to lunch by this brotha that I've been conversing off & on with for a little while now. Our schedules hadn't yielded an opportunity for us to meet until now, so it was finally time to put a face with this name and voice. So far convo was cool, from his 'profile pic' he seemed like a handsome guy and quite mature and well spoken to be only 25.  *I refuse to claim "Cougar" status...but perhaps a lil Panther-ish ;) Anyhoo, the following synopsis of Saturday afternoon's unfolding of events is sure to vividly illustrate for you why I chose the title of this particular entry! Enjoy cuz I was ticked in my spirit at multiple times during this adventure! A single gal has got to keep a sense of humor these days :)

Saturday Afternoon & I'm Feeling Good.....
12:00pm: Showering up and applying the most delicate balance of fragrance as to not warrant a bee/wasp chase...yet will surely turn a head or two!

12:45pm: I attempted to call and 'check in' to make sure we were still 'on' for a 1:00 lunch (no answer)

12:57pm: Now I'm in the car and en route to the restaurant that he chose (cuz if I plan too much...apparently it's not 'letting a man be a man'...so ya girl's on autopilot these days!) and I call once more to say that I won't be there exactly at 1:00 but I'm on my way...this time, he answers and let's me know that he hasn't even left the house yet. ME: Really, is everything okay? HIM: Oh yea, I was just chillin here wit my boy who was supposed to be working on my car. ME: *crickets.....okay, well I should be there a lil after 1. HIM: Okay, I'll see you there...now, I'm not looking my best, I was just hoping to meet you, chill, and talk ME: *crickets...okay, so see u in a few.

1:13pm: I have now arrived at this restaurant which is the equivalent to "Mel's Diner" complete with a lunch counter that I'm sure blacks were not always permitted to sit at. STRIKE #1! I'm immediately tickled and waiting for Ashton Kutcher & crew to pull up with release papers...cuz surely I'm being Punk'd! I call once again to let him know that I'm at the place. HIM: Oh okay, I'm on my way. ME: So you haven't left your house yet? HIM: I'm walking out the door now. ME: I mean, if there's too much going on today, we can do this another time. HIM: Well, I'm hungry, so I'm gonna eat regardless. ME: *crickets.....yep, so if you can't get here by 1:30, don't even worry about it.

1:26pm: As I'm sitting in the parking lot, a man walked infront of my vehicle...I'm looking at him & he's looking at me but I'm not sure if it's him because he did not look like his profile pic. *Mind you, this is the first time that this has happened to me where someone used one of their high school senior portraits as their profile pic and then they show up and all I can do is cock my head to the side in wonder like a german shephard. So then this dude beckons to me as if to say, 'c'mon in' and that's how I realized that this was indeed him. :( STRIKE #2!

When I stepped into "Mom & Pop's Place" I was immediately transported to the set of "In the Heat of the Night" (movie or tv show...you choose) and I was looking for Mr. Tibbs to come out to take our order! This dude is quite sloppy and is wearing this hat that only Columbo or a man who is eligible to collect AARP bennies should even try on. Sir, are you sure you're only 25?  Everything inside of me wanted to just run back to my ride and speed away to call anyone who would pick up and start my story by simply exclaiming: "FML"...but I digress. The waitress comes over to take our drink orders...I order a pink lemonade and this dude orders a cup of coffee!?! Now, it's hot as balls in a leather jock strap on a hot plate outside and you're ordering coffee!?! And at closer look once I'm sitting directly across the table from dude, he does indeed like coffee as evident from his badly stained teeth :( When the waitress returns, he proceeds to order chicken fingers & fries and once his plate arrives, he then covers everything with hot sauce. Now I absolutely ADORE (as sang by Prince) Texas Pete Hot Sauce...so that's not my beef. However, what I am concerned about at this point is that you are consuming hot coffee, hot chicken & potatoes covered with hot sauce, you have not removed your hat which is clearly made of some type of wool/polyester blend, and it's July in the south.....sir, I'm becoming musty just sitting across from you watching all of this unfold!?! STRIKE #3-5!

As I'm simply trying to be a good person and respect this other human being that I'm sitting across from, I completely checked out once he began to share with me that the tone of my voice reminded him of one of his friends who just happens to be a lesbian. Now, the way he lets me know this is by saying: "yea, she's a lil...*insert hand gesture that I haven't seen in years to imply that someone may be gay*....cuz I don't want to say it." "I hope you're not offended...I'm not saying you're like her, I'm just saying you sound like her." First of all, DAWG, you a grown ass man and you can't verbalize the word gay without it being an ordeal!?! And further more, if simply the sound of my voice reminds you of your friend's voice, what does it mattter that she's a lesbian? Why did you feel the need to just throw that into the conversation...oh I'm sorry, 'act it out' in your little impromptu game of Taboo that I was unaware we were playing.  STRIKE INFINITY!

The Good Word: The location of 'first dates' matters...I love a good 'dive' with awesome food, but those are places you go with folks you're already comfortable with. I'm not interested in dating any 86 year olds trapped in  '25 year old' bodies. And he should definitely set that hat on fire and invest in some Crest white strips!?!