Confessions of a Frequent Flyer: WTFs!?!

Confessions of a Frequent Flyer: WTF!?! Moments

As I sit here in Reagan International Airport prepared to leave D.C. to my final destination, I’m reminded of numerous instances that I’ve witnessed as a frequent flyer. While ‘jet setting’ from place to place both in and out of the country seems glamorous and exciting at first thought, the ‘hustle & bustle’ of air travel (and doing so frequently) can present some major challenges. So allow me to ‘freely move about the cabin’ of my experiences and share with you some of the moments when (as a frequent flyer) I’ve been prompted to think to myself: WTF!?! These moments will reference things that you could hear, see, smell, witness, etc. But the overarching theme, once again, is WTF!?!

Arrival to the Airport

Parking lot Z is open! There’s nothing worse than having your arrival timeline all planned out, then arriving at the airport only to realize that your usual parking lot or deck is CLOSED. As a result, you are now directed to park at the lot that’s located in a neighboring city so that you’ll then have to take a plane back to the shuttle stop, catch the shuttle, and then board your original flight! WTF!! For some reason, I’m one of those people that operates under a 50/50 chance that I’m gonna get to the airport with sufficient time to park, get through security, find my gate, and breath before boarding. Sometimes I’m good and can look cool in the airport while other times I re-enact O.J.’s Hertz commercial and get to my gate with sweat on my brow for seemingly no reason (so not a good look during the fall and winter months)! Since I’ve begun to travel more frequently, I do much better with this…but there’s always that chance. Especially when they mess up my parking flow and time that I didn’t initially account for is now ticking against me! Thank God for my newly acquired airline preferred access. In these instances, there’ll be 132 expletives used between the curb and my gate vs. 137 J

Throw yo kids from the shuttle!?! In any public place, I just want people to control their kids. I need you to be a parent and not simply a life sized action figure that’s walking your kid around! You wouldn’t believe some of the antics in which I’ve witnessed kids engage without consequence right in front of their parents’ faces! My brow all wrinkled up and hand itchin to ball up into a fist and the parent(s) look like they bout to ride a carousel on a spring day. When you get on the shuttle in particular, get on, stow your luggage, sit down, and make sure your kid sits down beside or across from you, then be still! Simple right? Don’t zone out by fiddling with your phone or tablet while your kid or kids damn near break out in a game of Duck Duck Goose amidst the rest of the passengers on this tight ass shuttle! WTF!?! All I got to say is, tap me and say ‘goose’……I’m definitely winning that round lil sir/ma’am!

Can you hear me now? Nothing is worse than being in a small confined space right beside, behind, or in front of a person who’s having a conversation on a cell phone using the same tone that the dude who says “lets get ready to rumblllleeee” before prize fights uses! WTF!?! Especially when everyone else is quiet and just trying to take this means to an end and be good citizens. Then here you come sounding like you were born with a megaphone in your larynx! Now I used to make exceptions to this pet peeve for older and/or elderly people using cell phones and being cute and old. But the fact remains that you’re talkin way too damn loud MeMa/PaPa and I need you to shut the fuck up immediately! Part of me is not totally mad at you because your (grand)son/daughter who bought you this device should’ve given you a better tutorial about it’s use and ability to pick up the sound of your voice if you just talk normal. But they did not and as a result you bout to catch this elbow to the face accompanied by a ‘with all due respect sir/ma’am’ cuz you’re annoying my travel experience right now!

Inside the Airport

Security at Security! The security checkpoints are the one place in the airport that separates the frequent travelers from the novices. The security checkpoints bring out the inner ‘I hope I’m doing this right’ bitch in all novice travelers. After being cleared to proceed from the gate, you can see the hesitation as they approach the plastic bins and begin to fiddle with their own luggage to try and find their toiletry bag as if they didn’t pack the mothafucka! So they find the toiletries then begin to watch others to give them clues as to what else they need to place into this bin. Shoes: Check! Laptop: Check! Anything in your pockets: Check! Then they get happy and start taking out all types of random shit and steadily grabbing more bins! You takin off earrings, pulling out iPods, now & laters, nail clippers, nabs…..I mean, sir/ma’am!?! All the while, ain’t moved a muscle toward the body scan nor pushed their belongings up to proceed through the scanner! WTF!?! I don’t know how many times I’ve been standing there and attempted to help folks through this process….but they don’t listen until a TSA person comes over to intervene. At that point, I go into total ‘get the fuck out my way’ mode.

Bombs over Baghdad…..with a smile. I’ve noticed while traveling that some airports have attendants strategically placed in their restrooms to ensure that the facilities are clean and that you are welcomed with a smile to the city to which you have just arrived. Nice gesture, right? Well, couple that with rounding a corner into a public airport restroom and being drop kicked in your olfactory organs by the smell of 1,000 farts and asses!?! Now I can’t even focus on the thoughtful greeting you’re trying to provide me with Madame Attendant! The first thing I’m thinking is WTF just happened in here!?! And don’t you smell that!?! OMG, will it be in your clothes when you leave outta here!?! How do you keep smiling through this shit smoke cloud that’s looming in here like a gas chamber!?! Wait, why the hell did I come in here? Oh yea, pee….quickly, quickly, quickly….. Mind you, all of this exchange is taking place internally, with myself, unbeknownst to anyone else….until now!

On your flight

Watch out for the big girl/boy  I’m an aisle seat kinda girl. I love sitting on the aisle and only having a person directly on one side of me. But sometimes, I’m not able to reserve my preferred aisle seat and must settle for a window or the dreaded middle seat. In these cases, the one thing you don’t want to see is Sherman/Charmaine Klump stop at your row and point to the seat right beside you. WTF!?! The fact of the matter is that the space provided in airplane cabins will not comfortably seat and/or provide everyone adequate space to move around. People need to start being more honest with themselves and not boarding these planes like no one see their big asses and begins to pray they’re not sitting anywhere near them! There’s nothing worse than having to sit in the infamous ‘lean’ position for an entire flight because the person next to you is wider than their seat. I won’t pretend that I’ve thought this dilemma through enough to be able to provide a solution that preserves basic human rights, but it pisses me off when I have to sit directly next to or behind (cuz they gonna recline that MF seat all the way back!) a big person on a plane. YOU KNOW YOU BIG!! STOP TRIPPIN!! WTF!?!

Children: Blessings & Demons I love children. They’re little faces, hands, and toes. Even their little farts….smell like hot garbage after only eating pureed peaches & crackers, but they sound cute! But on an airplane, some children seem to be born of the pits of Hell and sent onto your flight clearly as a repercussion for something fucked up that you did before you boarded. The little babies who cry at the drop of a hat or for some reason cannot fall asleep. #FAIL.  The toddlers who have ants and snapdragons in their pants and can’t be still. #FAIL. The elementary aged kids who have no concept of an ‘inside voice’ and feel the need to narrate their flight experience in real time while their parent simply ignores them. #FAIL. The almost middle schooler whose newly developing sense of independence prompts him/her to get up eery five minutes to go to the lavatory then return to kick & bump the shit outta your seat before they’re comfortably seated. #FAIL. The goth middle/high schooler who’d rather be anywhere else than on a plane with his/her family so the parent has to repeatedly address them for whatever reason cuz they’re ignoring the shit outta life right now. #FAIL. And the grandkid of any age who’s showin out just because they’re with grandma and not mama! #FAIL. WTF?!?

Will you be my BFF? I’ve met some interesting people during my travels. The random conversations that you will find yourself a part of with a stranger in an airport can be quite enjoyable. However, I’m not one to speak for extended periods of time while on the plane. It’s just too close of a quarters. In general, I’m not typically a ‘close talker’ so it feels a bit weird to damn near be sitting in someone’s lap that you don’t know and trying not to say too many “H” words cuz your self-conscious of your breath. And it’s funny, the people who are the most talkative ALWAYS have the WORST breath! Like something, is dead at your gum line ma’am/sir and if you ask one more question using the word ‘how’ or ‘have you’ I’mma choke you out right here in first class then order a ginger ale as I watch your body slump over into the window! And why do people only acknowledge ‘morning breath’ in the morning? If you take a nap at noon and wake up around 1:45pm….yo ass got ‘morning breath’ on 1,000 STILL! So don’t then look over at me and try to have this long conversation cuz your breath is burning my eye lashes and brows off! WTF?!? Then it’s the people who wanna talk through out the entire flight using their outside voice….about nothing! Once, a conversation about the difference in spellings & pronunciations of German words vs. English words kept me awake on a flight for about 45 minutes! WTF!?! Go to sleep hoes!?! Your conversation is making my ass itch!